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 Review #4294563 |
| Hello, DMT - THANK YOU WRITE.COM Before I start, do not forget, writing's an art, so do not fret if you should find that I am blind to your fine flair, and be aware this opinion — it is but one. When approaching your story, I'm searching for specific elements that separate the chaff from the wheat, and each will be addressed under a different header. Hook — does your opening have something that stops this reader putting down your story?  Meeting Jake's dad for the first time ever is a wonderful start to a chapter. Can't complain about that. However, you'd make the beginning hook a lot stronger, imho, if Jake has lots of internal thoughts in the opening paragraphs about all the things he wants to know about, like 'maybe now I can find out why they abandonned me at birth' and 'will he tell me how my biological mother was able to contact me through that map' or other thoughts that must be filling his head at that time. You could do with more setting in the first few paragraphs. See below. Characters — are they well rounded? Jake's dad is obviously a character we're really interested in, but except for describing him as 'a man', Jake's father is never described at all. What makes him distinctive as a man, and is there anything about him that is 'other' ie. that makes him look other than normal human. It might be suspiciously bushy eyebrows, a prominent forehead, slightly pointy ears, or perhaps different eye colour like in Teen Wolf or Twilight. The first time Jake's father is introduced, you write: Jake's father pursed his lips. - this completely confused me. I hadn't realised that this was Jake's father, and he hasn't been introduced as such. If he is Jake's father, and he hasn't seen him since he was a baby, then why would he talk to Hassorev first? It just seems weird that he speaks to Hassorev and then hugs him without saying a single thing or acknowledging his own son whom he's never seen before. Interesting reaction from Hassorev there.  Plot — does your story contain a clear plot with a strong resolution, or hook if it's a chapter or serial?  We need to rescue Jake's mum, and Jake is in on the action. That's fine. Pace — does your story feel like it's going somewhere? Yes, we're getting somewhere now. Things are starting to happen. However, I'd like a lot more from Jake in terms of conflict concerning leaving his 'real' parents for these 'biological' ones. Language and voice — does this reader 'feel' the story? Generally, the narration is clear and easy to follow. However, as I said above, I really think we need more from Jake's internal dialogue about how he feels about meeting him biological dad for the first time. I mean, I've actually done this because i was adopted and then in adult life traced my biological paraents, and I remember trying to find 'myself' in my dad, trying to find what was similar and wondering about what was different. Jake doesn't do any of this, so he feels numb. For example, you wrote: Jake's throat dried up and he couldn't speak. - this is really nice showing of his emotions, but why does he wait until his dad mentions the issue of his adoption before feeling anything emotional. If he knew he was about to meet his father for the first time in his life then surely he should have been thinking about this encounter all the way here, and those thoughts should have become stronger and the emotion sharper the closer he came. I feel we need a lot more internal dialogue from Jake about this meeting, especially as the boys came closer to this place. Dialogue — are your characters' voices distinct, and do they add to character building? A few edit notes about dialogue: "My boy, I haven't seen you since your grandfather kidnapped you and took you away - it wasn't at first clear that he was addressing Hassorev because it wasn't shown to whom he was speaking before the 'my boy' here. Why don't you take them to their tent and drop young Hassorev off at his parent's - parents' - apostrophe after the plural s not before. and the hunters are promised the like of the undead. - did you mean 'life of the undead'? It will just be a three person job; you, me, Hassorev and Callore." - I may be missing the point here, but why does he say it's a THREE person job and then name FOUR people? So, you can read my mind. - question mark! - this does answer an interesting question from earlier chapters, when the film director dude could read Jake's mind, but here you need some response from Jake's dad in dialogue to confirm that he can read Jake's mind, otherwise it's left unclear at this time. "Well, I'd like you to call me dad one day, - Dad, capitalise when it's used as a name. Settings — is this reader grounded in 'real' scenes? Okay. You've just arrived in the house of the general of the werewolf armies fighting a war against vampires. All you've got is one room, that apparently opens straight to outside, with one desk and one man. Where's his team? Where are all the weapons? Where's the guards etc? This is fantasy, and you've just arrived in the heart of your fantasy setting, so there should be strange and distinctive spells, weird torture instruments hanging from walls, maybe old battle banners lined along a wall and peppered with bullet holes. Please give us some interesting settings. Specifically, at the start of the chapter you wrote: A man sat behind a desk with papers and maps all around him. - they've just entered through the front door, but now they appear to be inside a study. This seems very strange. I'd expect the king of the vampires to live in a grand house, with a large entrance hallway, some guards posted around about, large paintings my great masters, Ming vases etc etc, and a long walk through corridors to reach the king's study. "This is blood, but I ordered you some coffee." - in your story, do the werewolves drink blood the same as the vampires? I'm very confused about that. Conclusion — a summary of how this reader personally felt about your story. This is a potentially very interesting chapter, but there are two things you badly need to improve: Jake's emotions and internal thoughts about meeting his biological father for the first time in his life and the fantasy settings in this magical place we're visiting for the first time to show how it's 'other' than the real, mundane world. Thank you for sharing your story with me. Good luck with your writing. Best wishes, Bob    My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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You responded to this review 02/07/2017 @ 10:32am EST