%%USERNAME%%    %%ACCWORDS%% %%ONOFF%% |
 Review #4294901 |
| Hello, DMT - THANK YOU WRITE.COM Before I start, do not forget, writing's an art, so do not fret if you should find that I am blind to your fine flair, and be aware this opinion — it is but one. When approaching your story, I'm searching for specific elements that separate the chaff from the wheat, and each will be addressed under a different header. Hook — does your opening have something that stops this reader putting down your story?  This history is definitely something the reader wants to know more about. A great opening hook. Characters — are they well rounded? Great character development with Jake starting to feel affection for Callore and also going off Hassorev at the same time because he's unpleasant. However, the bit where he thinks "my heart is entwined with a hazel-eyed humpire who captured my soul the moment I met her" is much, much too soon. He's simply walked from one building to another with her and they hardly talked. Yeah, he thinks she's hot, but given that he had things first for Jason and then for Hassorev, I think he needs to first go through some internal conflict about his own sexuality, ie. previously he was definitely homosexual, then when he saw that girl a while back (in a petrol station?) he'd clearly become bisexual, though he wondered at his strange feelings. But here, he's simply too accepting of his feelings. He really needs to go through a period of self doubt and general teenage angst about his state of mind and situation (the angst being largely over whether this 'hot' girl actually has any interest in him at all. He needs to be unsure of himself and worried that she thinks he's a dweeb etc etc. Have him anxious about it over a period of time and over-eager to impress her and make a good impression on her etc) He's too confident that he knows what he wants rather than doubting his own feelings and wondering "what's wrong with me". If you want Jake to fall in love with Callore, and not to look like it's all about how hot she looks, then you'll need to give her some specific 'habit' that he finds attractive, something unique to her that catches his eye and he finds adorable, like how Bella was the only girl whose mind Edward couldn't read, he was frustrated by her 'death wish' and intoxicated by her smell in Twilight, like how Katniss noticed that Peeta always looked out for her first (he saved her life before the book even began when he gave her bread as she was starving to death, and took a beating for it) and gave her unconditional love in The Hunger Games, or how Rochester was fascinated by Jane Eyre's art and her refusal to flatter him in Jane Eyre. Plot — does your story contain a clear plot with a strong resolution, or hook if it's a chapter or serial?  We're building up for some great action soon, but I feel that somehow you need to show Jake's "super human abilities" a bit more in the journey here so that Dad's decision to take him and Hassorev along on such an important mission makes sense. I mean, he's got a whole army of full werewolfs out there, so why does he want help from a group of half-breeds instead? Pace — does your story feel like it's going somewhere? If you really want Jake and Callore to hit it off, slow down the pace a bit for their walk, have him maybe tell a joke or something, have her more obviously interested in him in some way. If she shows no interest in him at all, how can he be falling in love with her? Language and voice — does this reader 'feel' the story? An unusually clean chapter, lol. Just one small thing: . Jake spotted a few solders’ look her way - . Jake spotted a few solders looking her way - no apostrophe on soldiers Dialogue — are your characters' voices distinct, and do they add to character building? A few notes: “The next part of the story is a harrowing one. I ask one thing, don’t judge me or your mum to harshly, - too, not to “As you wish my boy. Make it known around campus sergeant.” - you need commas before 'my boy' and 'Sergeant' (Capitalise) because he's addressing them. They always treat me like I’ve got aids or some contagious disease.” - AIDS - it's an acronym so capitalise - got AIDS or some other contagious He died in my mum’s arms and she went for his throat - the conversation becomes very confusing at this point because you're talking about a story involving two men who are not the girl speaking and in this sentence you use two male pronouns, but they refer to two different men, which isn't actually obvious. You may need to keep on using their names throughout the conversation to aid clarity. Well we’re here young Jake,” - comma before 'young Jake' Her name is Callore. - he's already told them this one paragraph up. Settings — is this reader grounded in 'real' scenes? You really need to do more to bring this place to life physically. I can't imagine what any of the buildings look like at all, not to mention the landscape. He vowed to get even with your grandfather and declared war on the vampires. - this is really interesting cultural setting, but think for a moment about plausibility and then consider if you need to change this history a little. You just wrote that "The humans raided our camp and killed a lot of the clan." Under those circumstances, with the werewolf clan severely depleted and perhaps their very survival at stake, would they then declare war against a powerful vampire clan who have not suffered the same damage from the humans. That would be suicicidal and the werewolf clan would become extinct since they would be sending a much diminished army against the vampire's undamaged and larger one. Conclusion — a summary of how this reader personally felt about your story. This is rather a strong chapter, but you need to do more to show the changes in Jake's feelings over a longer period of time, starting it in earlier chapters. We need to see proof of his strength and speed before Dad depends on it and also his internal conflict over his developing sexuality. More teenage angst, please!  Thank you for sharing your story with me. Good luck with your writing. Best wishes, Bob    My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
|
|||
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
You responded to this review 02/07/2017 @ 10:53am EST