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 Review #4295225 |
| Hello, DMT - THANK YOU WRITE.COM Before I start, do not forget, writing's an art, so do not fret if you should find that I am blind to your fine flair, and be aware this opinion — it is but one. When approaching your story, I'm searching for specific elements that separate the chaff from the wheat, and each will be addressed under a different header. Hook — does your opening have something that stops this reader putting down your story?   Creeping out of the barracks is good because it both reminds the reader of what's happening and also implies action. The thoughts about Jason are also good, but would be better with more observation, ie. with Jake sharing what exactly he's looking at as he leaves. Often in novels this will be expressed in terms such as 'she didn't look so much of a psycho while she was sleeping' or 'he was actually handsome when sleeping because he didn't scowl so much' etc, comparisons of the person's sleeping expression and body language compared to their usual look which gives the reader insight into how the narrator thinks about that character. Characters — are they well rounded? I do like the growing relationship between Callore and Jake, espicially that they've arrived together because they're faster than the others and the electric bit, but you really need to do more to show what these people look like. I mean, they're on a mission, but we've no idea how they've dressed for it or what weapons, if any, they're carrying. It seems odd that they've set off on a rescue mission with no tools or weapons. They at least need equipment to break into a building, presumably a very well built and secure building. Plot — does your story contain a clear plot with a strong resolution, or hook if it's a chapter or serial? I like the 'electric bolt' at the end. I presume he's 'imprinted' on her like in Twilight or something similar. The mission is also great if a little underplanned, ie. poor Jake has had zero training for it and they've not shown him, for example, photos of the target building or explained/planned how they'll get in once they get there. Pace — does your story feel like it's going somewhere? It's fast paced, but maybe a little too fast paced because I'd really like to know more details about the setting and how they're dressed etc. Try to do more showing and less telling in each location. It'll slow down the pace but help readers to better engage with the setting and characters. Language and voice — does this reader 'feel' the story? A few small points: and the party set off to rescue Eva, Jake's biological mother and the general's wife. - sentences like this are very telling. Can you find ways to SHOW rather than tell this information, eg. a conversation between the people. This would also give you the opportunity to describe how they're dressed/prepared for this particular operation. I mean, is Callore, for example, in a mini skirt, low cut top and carrying a Channel handbag, or is she in camoflage fatigues with her face blacked out for combat and carrying a semi-automatic rifle? Soon the green and brown blurs changed to brown and green - ?? - aren't they the exact same thing? I'm not sure what you meant here and feel you could have expressed it more accurately. Callore shook her head and her hair fell into her face. She brushed it to one side and started to collect twigs. - although this is a nice showing of her possible attraction to him, it's kinda weird to phase it into collecting firewood within one sentence. Consider using dialogue here, eg. by having her suggest in speech to him that they collect twigs for firewood while they await the others. His feelings about what she's saying can say a lot about his and her states of mind, eg. if when she makes that suggestion Jake thinks he'd be up for anything she suggested. Beware, too, using 'starting' or 'beginning' too often. You've already used them a few times this chapter before this point. Settings — is this reader grounded in 'real' scenes? I feel you really need to build on your settings in this story. Hassorev met him outside the hut. - the word 'barracks' implies a larger building, but hut implies a small building. It can of course be a barracks hut, but perhaps more solid description of the buidling in terms of how many rooms, how many beds roughly etc would help. Here, if you delete 'the hut' it will read fine and also be less confusing. The general and Callore met them on the outskirts of the safe valley - again, this says far too little about the setting. Valley could be anything from the combes of Dorset to the Yorkshire Dales or a fertile valley where the Little Green Giant strolls around making peas go pop. This is fantasy fiction so the setting is a key element, especially what makes it unique and different to our mundane world. Conclusion — a summary of how this reader personally felt about your story. I really like where you're going with Jake and Callore and the introduced 'electric' bit, but feel you need to slow down the pace and show a lot more of what's going on here, more setting and character development. Thank you for sharing your story with me. Good luck with your writing. Best wishes, Bob    My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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You responded to this review 02/07/2017 @ 11:08am EST