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 Review #4319153 |
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| (4.5)| Hi Azrael Tseng It's just me, Ken. I was wondering when you'd show up.  I'm pleased you made and I'm excited to read and comment on your work "Invalid Item" on behalf of "Earth Day Challengers" . First Impression/Thoughts: There is a poignancy in the story you tell and, unfortunately, anyone reading this will understand. It reminds me of the great sage, Pogo , who said, "We have met the enemy and they is us!" Creativity/Impact:I love the story in this. We teach our children to respect nature and then encourage them to destroy it in the name of progress. Very creative.  Message/Theme: Uhhh, Earth Day? Seriously, you've captured the heart of the issue - we are destructive seeing nature only as an unlimited commodity. Technique/Technical Notes: I offer you the following as food for thought and not as criticism. I encourage you to consider what I offer but always follow your instinct and heart. You are the poet. Title: I thought it was very creative and will catch the attention of readers - it did me  . The "teaser" line (or description ) offers an opportunity to add some clarification and can also be a great tool to attract more readers. Again, not only creative but informative. Grammar/Wording: Your language, as usual, is well thought and supports the story and your message. Perhaps it's just me, but it brought back long forgotten memories of schools in Japan. I could see young children in blue and white planting and their teachers using the moment for both a lesson and to show enthusiasm for their successful project. I'm sure it's not the same today but thank you. Form/Flow: Written in Quatrains with an abab rhyme, I thought this generally flowed well. I could see where you sacrificed meter for the sake of the story ( I did the same in mine LOL). You used a few "near rhymes" which I think did impede the flow a bit. (space/praise and porridge/forest) Overall Rating/Final Thoughts:  An enjoyable and - for me - memory filled read even if the lesson was our own callousness to what we're doing to the world. Your recognition of how often we trade our dreams for the sake of progress comes through clearly and I found myself in total agreement. Thank you for sharing your imagination and talent with me today.Writing is about communication and this is what I saw in your work and is provided solely for your use. It's offered in a spirit of wanting to give you honest feedback... nothing more. Keep writing! Wishing you all the best for Earth Day 2017, Ken
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You responded to this review 04/23/2017 @ 11:47pm EDT