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 Review #4319155 |
| Hi dpmorgan My name is Ken and I'm pleased to read and comment on your work "Invalid Item" on behalf of "Earth Day Challengers" . First Impression/Thoughts: I think you hit the nail on the head. This was all about the money and there was never going to be a resolution that honored our promises to the first people.  Creativity/Impact:I think you used this poem to create an insightful commentary on our government and out world.  Message/Theme: Uhhh, Earth Day?  Seriously, the message here is one of indignation for the trampling of rights and the callous disregard for nature. Technique/Technical Notes: I offer you the following as food for thought and not as criticism. I encourage you to consider what I offer but always follow your instinct and heart. You are the poet. Title: Straight forward. I think it catch the attention of readers - at least those who share your anger. The "teaser" line (or description  ) offers an opportunity to add some clarification and can also be a great tool to attract more readers. I'm not sure that "as a focal point" really addressed the text of your poem but I understand it. Grammar/Wording: Your language is hard, reflecting the anger you feel. I think there was a bit of catharsis in your writing, expressing a lot of your feelings without regard for whether or not the poem was as clear to the reader as it was to you. For example:The nation suffers from treaty falsification. And the lobbyists with lubrication. I don't think the lobbyists suffer at all . Form/Flow: You wrote this as a monorhyme - quite ambitious  . I think it works well and commend you for the effort. Overall Rating/Final Thoughts:  The message is wonderful, the poem, however, needs a bit more focus so that the line to line images don't conflict with each other. Your support and recognition of what occurred and its impact on the future comes through clearly and I found myself in total agreement. Thank you for sharing your imagination and talent with me today.Writing is about communication and this is what I saw in your work and is provided solely for your use. It's offered in a spirit of wanting to give you honest feedback... nothing more. Keep writing! Wishing you all the best for Earth Day 2017, Ken
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You responded to this review 04/24/2017 @ 9:06am EDT