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Review #4323788
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Review by Pennywise Author IconMail Icon
Rated: | (2.5)
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*Yinyang* Review & Critique *Yinyang*


You really are brave, let me tell you that. I've never even considered writing in the second person.

This has the basis for being a good story though there are a few elements which I think need addressing.

In the first half of the story, the pace keeps stalling because you tend to start a sentence with the same word - especially you, your and the. All it would take is a simple rewrite to alleviate this issue and keep the pace flowing.

For Example:

"You stumble forward, your head bent down and stare at you shoes; for you want to ignore the splatters of blood on the carpet."

There are a couple of typos here as well and a passive voice, when trying to build tension try to keep everything in a positive and proactive voice, so this sentence could read -

"Stumbling forward, your head bent down eyes staring at your shoes, you ignore the splatters of blood on the carpet."

This is strange though as in the second half of the story you minimise the amount of times you start a sentence with the same word, and the pace is pretty steady.

"They let out a high pitched scream and start swatting their close surroundings." - I'm not sure you mean "swatting" - to hit, slap or smack. though if they are hitting something you need to tell your readers exactly what it is. This reads as vague and confusing.

"A grand piano sits in the corner of the large room, the keys softly paying Moonlight Sonata by themselves. A moving rocking chair with a torn Raggedy Ann doll sits besides a fire" I really like these two sentences as they really paint a scene. You can add a little extra creepiness by slightly rewriting the second sentence a little.

For example:

"A rocking chair with a torn Raggedy Ann doll creaks back and forth beside a raging fire" This just adds more visual so your reader will envision it in their mind a little clearer.

"That's when you decide, you are never agreeing to your friends' wishes. That's when you make the decision of never stepping into a horror house." This is an overly long ending as the two sentences are so similar, you could consider merging them into one.

For example:

"That's when you decide, you are never agreeing to your friends wishes again... and you are never stepping into another horror house."

There are quite a few typos and grammar errors throughout. I now use the Grammarly add-on in my browser, it's awesome for spotting mistakes and it integrates into WdC a treat. It may well be worth adding it as it's helped me a lot.

The other thing I find useful is Thesaurus.com as this will give you different words and can be of great help if you find yourself using the same word a lot.

Please remember any opinions which are given, are given in the spirit of helpfulness - If you do not agree with my opinions then please feel free to ignore them - after all this is YOUR story (be true to it and yourself) *Wink*

Thank you for letting me read your story.

Second greeting to the contest pages.

Come join me - We ALL float down here.
*BalloonR*PENNYWISE*BalloonR*

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   *CheckG* You responded to this review 05/11/2017 @ 6:04pm EDT
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/my_feedback/action/view/id/4323788