PLOT
SUGGESTIONS
CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT
FINAL THOUGHTS

Remember, this is only my opinion.



PLOT

The plot seems all right, but I would try and tell the story more in a showing style than a telling style as in my opinion this works better. Horror is very hard to do but I have found using the thought process very effective for example... The man came up behind her with a knife and cut her, compared with. oh my god, she could feel him approach by his heavy breath and body Oder. Please god, no He lifted the knife and the metal blade glistened in the moonlight as the knife stabbed her in the back. Which sounds better? I like the story line and think it will make a good book.

SUGGESTIONS

'(A few hours had passed when Lucy found herself back at Grans. She had received a message from Silas around 5:30 asking if she minded him coming early. She was hesitant to agree but did so in hopes that she could get this awkward meeting over with. What on Earth possessed me to say yes?' The hook needs to be stronger. It needs to draw the reader in. Also words like 'had' and 'was' make this a show not tell sentence. 'Lucy's feet found her way to Grans as her mind lingered on the message from Silas asking her to come in early. She glanced at her watch and sighed... now, here you can if you want use a trick so it sounds more showy than telly. Use the inner thought process. It gives the reader a look into the characters mind as well as making the scene spark as it is the characters own thoughts and feelings the reader is getting a look at. Why did I agree,, she never wanted to, but...' The first part could be put into inner thoughts. By doing this you can take out phases like 'it was' 'he had' etc thus eliminating the show factor.

'He chuckled(then as if some fond memory was recounted. What that memory could have been was a mystery to Lucy.) I would put a full stop after chuckled and put the rest as an inner thought. (. Why is he smiling like that? What has he remembered?') Questions like this also build up the suspense. Also try to cut down on 'ing' words as too many in one sentence makes said sentence sound flat, in my opinion. Instead try to incorporate the action word associated with the gerund word.

'They spoke for awhile (for) Greta suggested getting up (and dancing). James attempted to join them but was scolded. (and) (to dance.)

CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT

I think the characters have potential and are interesting. They are believable and realistic and so is the dialogue.

FINAL THOUGHTS

This has the makings of a good book. Thank you for sharing and if you want me to review this again or any of your other stuff, let me know. Always happy to help.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .