Greetings from the White Walkers and the "Game of Thrones" ! I'm Tam, and I'm here to provide you some feedback.


First Impressions

This story is kind of poetic and has a rhythm to it. It starts with a description of her hair and what she likes, then ends with the same sort of thing. Don't see too many stories like this around, so it caught my attention.


Best Elements

The way the beginning and end mesh together is very nice. I like a bit of resonance in my stories, even if they aren't always the most obvious thing to spot.


Suggestions

The grammar in this piece is... questionable. I wish you'd made it more obvious when a note was starting and when it had ended. Note-passing is kind of like dialogue and should be properly separated for clarity's sake.

That said, the most questionable part of this was the opening paragraph.

She liked horses, and flowers that smelled pink and maybe a boy, and there were things she didn't tell her mother.

This feels like a run-on or a garble... or something. I don't even have a name for it. I'd break it up, at any rate.

Also, how can a flower smell 'pink'? Pink is a colour, not a scent.


Overall

I liked the overall theme of it, but I think it needs some grammatical help. I feel like this is supposed to be more... moody than plot-oriented, and it does that. However the grammar is making it difficult for me to enjoy it as much as I could.


Keep writing!

~Tam

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


This review is in affiliation with "The Witch's House" . If you like this review, consider stopping by "Game of Thrones"  and cheering for my team. Or you can stop by my portfolio. Visitors are always welcome.