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Review #4356294
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Review by MidnightStalker Author IconMail Icon
Rated: | (3.0)
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Hi, little confusing that the chapters seem to be in reverse order. I'm assuming this is the opening chapter despite showing as chapter 9.

The opening paragraph is a little repetitive:
Mary Anne Mathews was a newly minted teacher. She had been out of school for three months and had just been hired as a new teacher at Farnsworth academy in Farnsworth Montana
Mary-Anne Matthews was nervous; today was h first day as a teacher at Farnsworth academy

It seems like you wrote that she was new in two different ways and then couldn't decide between them. Also the typo of h instead of her.

A few other typos with missing words such as:
Luckily classes don't till next week
And:
Once Mary Anne had finished working the shoulders into her breast the shapely quickly followed

As for the content it's all a bit brief for example:
The woman was a leggy red head. The red head was sitting facing away from the door.
Could be rewritten into something more descriptive and flowing such as:
The woman sat in the chair with it's back to the door, long red curls spilled over the upholstered back, before her long tanned legs stretched out into the room.

14 inches is also verging on the ridiculous let alone 20.

As an opening chapter it seems like it could do with a bit of a polish. Personally based on it I won't be reading anymore, but I found it via looking for general erotica, those looking specifically for vore may continue further.

Hope my comments help.

MS

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