I am the Wordy Jay , and I'm here to review the first chapter of your novel, "Invalid Item" .


I chanced across this item during the GoT madness. I didn't have the time (nor energy) to review it then, but I liked it so much that I bookmarked it for another day. Well, here's an in-depth review that I believe would do this excellent piece of work justice!

Now, before we take the plunge, allow me to read you your rights...


The following review is just my 2 cents' worth!

Feel free to do whatever you wish with my opinions/suggestions --
whether it is to adopt them, discard them, or anything in between!

Ready? Here goes!

At First Glance

First Impression

Let's just say you've convinced me to continue reading the rest of your novel. So keep the chapters coming, Lorraine! Don't torture me now -- I always read mystery novels in one single breath!


Emotional Reaction

Okay, don't freak out . . . I know you wrote about a murder, and there were some gory-ish details involved, but you know what really won me over? I thought the story was amusing! I'm sorry if this is not quite the response you were looking for but . . . Yup! I found the detective's repeated assertions that she was NOT dead hilarious and fell in love with the story immediately! Of course, I was also very intrigued -- the who's, how's, and why's are endless.


What Worked?

You had a good mystery which, I believe, is the key to every successful detective story. The premise wasn't too outlandish as to render it completely unbelievable, yet the story idea was unique enough to make me want to read till the end to find out what actually happened.

Reader Appeal

Title & Tagline

Excellent tagline -- a tantalising hint that doesn't give away too much! The title really pales in comparison though. After finishing the chapter, I can see how "DNA" would be a relevant title for your story, but relevant isn't exactly the same as awesome, is it? Perhaps you might be able to come up with more attention-grabbing alternatives for your title as your novel progresses.


Hook

Hmm . . . the first section (the paragraphs before the divider) didn't exactly make much of an impression on me. I was drawn into the story from the crime scene onwards -- that's where the real "action" started. I suppose you used the first section to establish the setting and deliberately kept it brief so that you could quickly move on to the "story proper"? However, if I never bothered to get past the first section, you might have lost me as a reader.

Perhaps starting your story with the crime scene, and then inserting that first section in the midst of it in the form of a flashback might work better. Just a suggestion!

Here's what I mean. ▼


Ending

Those four simple words pack quite a punch and do a fine job of drawing the reader deeper into your story. There was enough finality in the last few paragraphs that I didn't feel like I was left "hanging", yet you also sent out the message "Now, what?", making me want to turn the page and read on.

The Story

Story Idea

Like I mentioned earlier, this is the part that has made your story a winner. I've not read anything like this elsewhere -- you have a truly original idea that works! I can't, for the life of me, figure out where you're going with this storyline, and that's what's keeping me on my toes. Great job!


Setting

You included various sights and sounds that brought your scenes to life. Whether it was the crime scene, the Chief's office, or the clamouring press, each setting was well-described, and I had no problem "picturing" everything in my head. No inconsistencies were spotted.


Plot/Action/Flow

The chapter was well-structured with a clear beginning, climax, and resolution. There were no "jarring" sections/paragraphs. Except for the first section (which was a bit slow), the story moved at a good, steady pace, overall. None of the scenes were drawn-out, neither did I feel like I was rushed along.

The Cast

Characters

Naturally, Detective Avery was painted in great detail, seeing that she was the "vic". However, I particularly liked the unobtrusive manner with which you introduced the physical descriptions and peculiar mannerisms of the other supporting characters.


Dialogue

You did a good job with the dialogue as well. The characters' lines sounded natural and did much to add life to the story.


POV

The story unfolds in Detective Avery's first person point of view. I think that's a good choice, because following the mystery from an investigative standpoint, allows your readers to immerse themselves into the story.

Language

Description/Vocabulary

No one could accuse you of being verbose, and, like I mentioned above, you were descriptive where it mattered. Good job showing instead of telling!


Style

I must say, I like your writing style! I appreciated the subtle humour, and I think you maintained a nice balance between dialogue and narration.


Spelling/Grammar/Punctuation

This is quite a polished piece of work -- I didn't notice any errors.

Conclusion

Summary

This was a most enjoyable read! The idea behind the story was unique, and the story itself was well-delivered. The characters were lively, the scenes were vivid, and the flow was good. The only parts I would revise are the title (something with more oomph, perhaps?) and the opening paragraphs (more compelling action from the start would generate greater reader interest, I believe).


In a Nutshell

I've always enjoyed a good mystery, so I guess you can consider me a new fan, Lorraine. Now, go write the rest of the story!



Well, I do hope you found my comments and suggestions helpful. Please know that this detailed critique was done in the spirit of support and encouragement -- nothing less.

All the best in your writing adventures!



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