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Review #4377586
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Rated: | (4.0)
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*NoteP*          Hello, Cadie here reviewing on behalf of "Naughty and Nice November ~ CLOSED" Open in new Window.. This review is given as part of your prize for winning auction package 7.

*AsteriskV*NOTE: This review is only the opinion of one author. This review is meant to help and NOT hurt.

Personal Impressions~

*NoteP*           You've written a really good piece. The characters are realistic, and the story flowed well throughout the piece.

Tone, Mood, Point of view~

*NoteP*          The attitude of the story was sensual. You kept the sensual aspect of the story without moving in to a pornographic element. The mood was one that was subdued and quiet. There seemed to be one point of view throughout the story which made it easy to read.

Plot, Setting~

*NoteP*          This story was about a couple to took a sensual/sexual relaxing bath after a hard day at work. I like that the guy was willing to take care of the lady and in turn she took care of him too, in her own way. I wonder if there could have been more on her part to be described. Did she kiss down his body or was this supposed to be a place where he just took care of her?
While the characters set the tone, I wonder if there could have been more setting details included. You describe the candle light, I assume it was throughout the house, but it's not for sure. What happened to the glasses of wine? They seemed to have disappeared.
Separating, I go to the kitchen to pour two glasses of wine… Returning, you take my hand and walk down the hall to the master bath… candles glow and the light diffuses in the steam rising from the tub… the bubbles sparkle in the light, casting a muted glow around the room… Again, our lips meet and we undress each other, the clothes falling to the floor and our naked bodies joining in an embrace…
I begin to wash your back and let my hands wander around your, cupping each breast and teasing each nipple as they become erect in response to the touch of my hand… This situation needs something else. For example: "I begin to wash your back letting my hands wander around your (body, arms, rib cage), cupping each breast, teasing as they become erect in response to the touch of my hands..."

Characterization and Dialogue~

*NoteP*          The characters seemed believable. Their interaction with each other was natural. Dialogue was not needed as the male character described what was going on.

Showing vs. Telling~

*NoteP*          You've done well in showing what is happening. I would recommend reading back through this piece, to take out some of the "and"s. There seem, to me, to be a few too many.
I orgasm and you feel the throbbing of me as I fill you with the results of our passion and we hold each other tightly, not wanting to separate, not wanting the passion to pass… and then slowly the passion retreats and our kisses take on the feeling of warmth and caring and satisfaction and love….
This is just an example with too many and's in it. "I orgasm, knowing you feel my body throbbing inside you filling you with the results of our passion...holding each other tightly, not wanting to separate or lose the passion...slowly, the moment retreats our kisses take on the feeling of warmth and caring and satisfaction and love...

Conclusions~

*NoteP*          You are a great author. I enjoy reading items you've written.

*NoteP* Thank you for sharing and Keep Writing!


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