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 Review #4391482 |
 | Allow me to introduce myself...  [18+] South London - 1980's...  |
| (4.0)  Hi . This is a review from Mastiff .  After reading "Allow me to introduce myself..." I have the following comments to offer.  First impression: I think the best part was I started reading it in some accent I know is BS, but fun regardless. Being chased around by the authorities makes for a fun story. Things That Might Make It Better: I might involve the people with you just a bit more. Let them help you make the story. The other bigger point is "Old Bill." Make Old Bill the synonym for the law without the others in parenthesis. It just may be me who went back to be sure I was on track, but it's easier to just make it clear from the start. Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar: I know we have a bit of a difference here, but here's my American take: 1 - "Fitted" in P1 may be colloquial, but perhaps not capped. 2 - Para 2 line 3 hey needs to be quoted or removed, line 7 Ellipsis with ?, line 7-8 can break to two more sentences. Easier read. 3 - Saying "I’ll tell you about that lot later" and such doesn't go over well. Just my opinion.  Things I Like:I thing he paints a good picture, and I'll see what he has to say. It's not a hard read, it flows well.  Final Comments Let's see what you've got next Mastiff 
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