Hello, Louise Yates!

Thank you for requesting a review from "Only Chapter One " 

Before I start, do not forget,
writing's an art, so do not fret
if you should find that I am blind
to your fine flair, and be aware
this opinion — it is but one.

When approaching your opening chapter, I'm searching for specific elements that separate the chaff from the wheat, and each will be addressed under a different header.


Hook — does your opening have something that stops this reader putting down your book?


The sketch of Murphy's Bluff in your 'preface' section is kinda interesting, but it has the unfortunate effect of making the reader wait a long time before anything actually happens or the main character is introduced. Also, rather more unfortunately, it effectively tells the reader that Murphy's Bluff is a mundane location no different from thousands of other similar towns around the world. When you're trying to hook in a reader, telling them that the place is kinda boring isn't going to do you any favours. However, from a stylistic point of view, such an opening is quite nice IF you can make it a little more active. See notes under language below for more details on this.

The story really starts in your section 1. Here I love that her life has gone to crap. That's good. It provides a nice hook. However, your actual choice of opening sentence (It is said that life is what happens when you’re busy making plans) is what some critics would call cliche, ie. it's a commonly used phrase that most people are familiar with and so comes across as unoriginal no matter how appropriate it is here.

You choose to begin your story some three weeks after an exciting event, and then show that exciting event as a backstory scene. Why? The actual split, hubby coming home and outta the blue saying 'We're done, chuck' is awesome. Why not just begin your story from there and use a simple linear chronology? Hubby throwing his wedding ring on the table would make the world's best paragraph one hook, imho.

It's not really bad, but I should point out that you don't actually ground the reader in an exact time and place and scene until the third paragraph of scene 1. The opening two paragraphs are abstracted. It's usually better if you can identify the who, where, what in the opening paragraph to ground the reader, especially if they've just trawled through that long preface.

Another very small point. Because you began with a huge overview of Murphy's Bluff, when we began Maggie's scene I assumed that she was in Murphy's Bluff. There was nothing to say she was elsewhere, and it seemed natural that if you've just spent a page describing a place, then that must be where the initial action is taking place. It wasn't until the end of the chapter that I realised she was going to Murphy's Bluff rather than leaving it.

Characters — are they well rounded?


I love Maggie's character. She's really interesting. Her birthmark and resulting nickname are awesome. Her background with her parents makes her hugely sympathetic, as does the issue with hubby getting bored.

I'm not sure about the name Maggie Malone, though. You see, Molly is a common nickname for Maggie, and Molly Malone is an especially famous Irish song. And, to be honest, Maggie Malone just sounds so typical that it's as cliche as having a John Smith and the combined alliteration and assonance make it a little too poetic for a real feeling name, if you catch my drift.

I also like the ***hole hubby. I'd like to know a little more about things like what he does for a living and also perhaps some hint of inferred superiority, eg. she's a wannabe artist but he's embarked on a successful career in law. Perhaps hint that he's really left her because her projects are failing and he's becoming more successful, so he thinks he's now too good for her. More depth (or in this case, shallowness, I suppose ) may improve the story a little.

Plot — is it driving the story?


I love the plot so far. Maggie's break-up scene is fantastic. Her cold hubby is great. Her move to a new place is understandable. The chapter end, her arriving in the new and strange place, is a good point to leave off. However, it might be nice if you can have something bad happen then as she steps off the train … something that makes it look like maybe she's just made a terrible mistake. This would create a better cliffhanger if you follow? For example, she might step off the train and discover that half the buildings along the street are boarded-up, while the other half look like they haven't seen a lick of paint in fifty years, and then she might wonder at her wisdom choosing this place at random from an Atlas or something.

Pace — does your story feel like it's going somewhere?


The huge descriptive opening scene with nothing happening followed by a mixed up chronology in the second scene make this opening chapter feel a tad slow at times.

Language and voice — does this reader 'feel' the story? Are your characters' voices distinct?


Everything you write is clear and relatively free from errors. However, I feel that it's a little verbose and passive in tone. For your narrative to be succinct and engaging, it's necessary to minimise the number of weak verbs and passive language. Try this: in your Word document, perform a search for 'was','were', and 'would'. See how many times these weak verbs appear? Think about re-arranging sentences to make them more active, removing 'was/were/would', and introducing some stronger verbs. Just as an example, here's your opening paragraph in blue and an example re-write in green.

It was like any other small town. People who had lived there for what often appeared to be centuries would smile and say hello when passing one another on the street. Sometimes they would stop and spread the local gossip, who was sleeping with whom, who was about to have an operation or a baby, businesses in trouble, marriages on the rocks. It was the same small talk going on in every small town around the world. The people concerned may be different, the stories seldom were.

It looked like any other small town. People who had lived there for what appeared to be centuries smiled and said hello in passing on the street. Sometimes they stopped and spread the local gossip: who was sleeping with whom, who needed an operation or had fallen pregnant, businesses in trouble, marriages on the rocks. The same small talk went on in every small town around the world. The individuals may be different, the stories seldom were.

Can you see how the second version is both tighter and more active in tone?

It took me awhile to realise that this story is set in Australia. To be honest, I haven't read many Australian authors, but I LOVE John Marsden. I know that he's writing for a young adult audience while you're aiming at adults, but one thing that I really like about his writing style is how he uses so many uniquely Australian words to set the scenes and tone of his novel. I feel that you would benefit from a few more uniquely Australian words and landmarks/animal species/plants/name of places in your opening chapter so that it's obvious to the reader where all this action is happening. Otherwise, Murphy's Bluff could be literally anywhere in the English speaking world.

Notes

She looked at the boxes being loaded unlovingly into the back of the removalist’s van and felt numb -> is 'removalist' an Australian term? In the UK we call them 'removers'

She resisted the urge to look back as her heart pound heavily in her chest. -> pounded. To be honest, it might sound better as: As her heart pounded, she resisted the urge to glance back. -> note that often when writing we say things that are so obvious that the words are really redundant. Here, 'in her chest'. I mean, where else would her heart be? You get what I mean?

and felt an awkward smile tug at her lips as she thought of how far removed from the master plan her life had become. -> As she realised how far from the master plan her life had drifted, an awkward smile tugged at her lips. -> as a general rule, in narrative try to place cause before effect. This makes the read smoother because the reader experiences events in the same chronological order as the viewpoint narrator. The word 'felt' is one of those verbs associated with 'filtering'. 'Filtering' is where the author places an unnecessary layer of words between the story and the reader, which causes distance. You often don't need to use words like 'felt' because when you read 'a smile tugged at her lips' you understand that this is something the viewpoint character can feel without needing to be told this. Where possible, use stronger verbs. Why use 'become' when you can write 'drifted', which says so much more.

Here's a little article about filtering that might help you:
https://writeitsideways.com/are-these-filter-words-weakening-your-fiction/

Settings — is this reader grounded in 'real' scenes?


Your scene setting is generally adequate, but I'd like to see some more uniquely Australian fauna and flora to ground the reader. You see, you wrote: and just as many types of dunny paper and butter -> it wasn't until I reached this clause that I realised we were in Australia (the dunny paper) and, to be honest, it kinda drew me out of the story for a mo. Consider naming the sea/ocean that the small town faces so that it's clear to the reader as soon as the sea is mentioned exactly where we are.

Conclusion — a summary of how this reader personally felt about your chapter.


The plot and characters are awesome, especially the split up scene with the rings on the table and the hubby being as cold as ice. I loved that. However, your two weaknesses appear to be in structure and narrative. Your structure is all over the place chronologically, which can be a bit confusing, and your narrative is simple a little too passive and not as engaging as it could be with stronger verbs.

Thank you for sharing your chapter. Good luck with your writing.

Best wishes,

Bob


This was a review from "Cross Timbers Novel Workshop On Hiatis" 




My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .