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 Review #4424157 |
| ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** A review by iguanamountain --- member of WYRM, A group for those dedicated to writing and reviewing speculative fiction. The Story of Your God by Tobber Hello Tobias, Here I am again, working my way through your flash fiction folder. >>> Let me tell you, being a god isn't half as great as the stories will have you believe. As you often say to me, where is the conflict, the emotion and the excitement. I think starting off with a statement of the ultimate theme-plot of the piece is somehow backwards. >>> The first couple of weeks you'll be all giddy, excited that you have achieved your one goal in life. This is a much better introduction with a little revision to start. There's emotion and achieving goals, plus all the over-coming of the other Gods. Victory, happiness, joy, ego bursting up! >>> Shooting lightning bolts from your fingertips, raising mountains, creating a new species of birds, testing out all that stuff will be terrific fun. Yeah, all the cool stuff that a top God can do! So positive, so great.  >>> But it won't last. As you grow used to the prayers, the sensation will fade, and eventually it'll be nothing but a constant buzzing in the back of your mind, a nuisance, as some useless peasant prays for you to save his crops or some corrupt priest begs for your affection. Instead of 'telling,' why not a couple very short dialogue examples from a useless peasant and a corrupt priest. What's that buzzing? Use the same number of words. Hmmm...? >>> You send some of it after those tiny humans, because why not? What are they to you but pesky little beings that won't shut up? The story line is becoming very predictable. Where's the conflict? Why not show us zapping one of those pesky little guys? And a new kind of enjoyment. I know it's flash and has to be short. That means being more creative with how you use words, action, and dialogue. >>> Eventually, one of them will arrive to challenge you. Create a live-action scene instead of the 'telling paragraphs.' It will use the same space, but move with excitement and a great challenge. >>> Betrayal by the other gods. More action by a jealous god to get you trapped. Lots of emotion and action. Bam! Big stone and no more power. >>> Find yourself a good spouse and a small piece of land and settle down and you'll be all the happier for it. Well, until I find a way out of here and wreck havoc on you all that is. A compromise for the ending? All is not as it seems. (Better to start last sentence with:) That is, until I find a way out of here and wreck havoc on you all. Yeah, smoldering revenge.  FINAL COMMENT: This piece had an entire action-packed plot with everything exciting very well hidden behind plain old text. Crack loose, man. Use the words in a different way. Also think about the voice and dialogue of the god that is telling this story. He goes through a transition. At the moment the voice that is telling does not have any character qualities, he's neutral. To write this you, Tobias, have to be him. There are tons of potential here! Best, Gale ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **  My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!"  .
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You responded to this review 07/04/2018 @ 3:25pm EDT