Hi, Velicity Phoenix


Overall Impression
I'm intrigued. I love these kinds of stories and I'm anxious to find out what this story will be about. I love the names of your two main characters and the description of the Unity Baptist church. I loved that Ashtyn has seen a need in her life and felt the convicting hand of God. She responded and wished her friend Holly would do the same.

Setting: I'm assuming this to be present day. We have both Ashtyn and Holly getting ready to go to a revival meeting. The setting in the church is clearly defined.


Plot: This wasn't clear to me. At the beginning you need to set the goal for your main character. You have some action going on but what does Ashtyn or Holly (at this point I don't know which is the main character and which is the sidekick.) want? I read your synop Summary:Is a novella series about a group of individuals destined to find each other in a twisted string of events. The series touches on demon hunting and other paranormal things. Part One/ Book one is about a woman who learns she has special abilities and was chosen for a higher cause. She is spiritually tormented and later discovers the Astral Plane. Along the way she finds others with similar abilities. This tells me what is going to happen but a book follows a set path. The goal of the main character is what? To change the world or her corner of it? go from an introvert to an extrovert? She has to want something in the beginning so the reader can identify with her and join her journey. Can you think of any book where people wander around with no purpose until they hear a voice from above that says "GO TO Los Angeles" then then go? Do you care about why they are going if they don't know why they are going?
Every story has a purpose and you need to state that up front. It may change. Off the group goes to LA but on the way they are sidetracked and stop in Los Vegas. They may decide to ignore the voice and stay in Vegas if the stay has more value to them.
You will need to establish what is motivating your main character to follow her goal and last you'll have conflicts she faces that try to keep her from her goal. Each chapter you write will reestablish the goal and motivation in some small way. The conflicts and how she over comes them is what the chapters are about.

Characters: You have two great characters. I love them both however you can't have two POV in one chapter. At least not as a beginning writer. I wouldn't do it. In my first published novel I had a grandson and grandmother. They alternated chapters to tell their story.
You can do it like that or use one POV (Point of View) and the other talks to her to tell her what she sees, and hears. This first chapter was very confusing because at times I didn't know who was talking. Stick to the main character at least for a full chapter. If you switch you have to transition so the reader knows we have left one and now are hearing the other one.


Suggestions: I put most of my suggestions above. There is just one other point. The last two sections with mom and dad. I suggest you leave them out. They don't move the story. You can introduce them further up in the car. Dad isn't a Christian so his actions reflect that. You can do the same above. As they are leaving to pick Holly up Dad asks where they are going and Mom tells him and invites him to come. His answer sets the reader's mind about what part he plays. The bottom sections are unnecessary. I think you are trying to establish a paranormal connection, but it didn't work.

In conclusion: I am anxious to see what you have planned for our two young girls. I look forward to see how you plan on adding the spirit world to this story.



My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .