Hey, there!

I saw your reply to the Writing.com Support Newsfeed post that went up a couple of days ago. (The one with the link to northernwrites's Newsletter, " Newsletter (Spare)" .) You said in your reply, “I am a bit frustrated because I am not getting reviews any where I post what I write.”

It made me curious, so I came to check out your portfolio and review something. Now, I am going to review this item, but first I wanted to share with you some ideas for maybe getting some more reviews.

First, I'd like to encourage you to fill out your main portfolio page—specifically, your Bio Block. When you're on your main portfolio page, you should see a gray gear icon at the upper right corner. Clicking on that allows you to edit your Bio Block. It doesn't matter what you put there; you can check out others' Bio Blocks to get ideas. The main idea is to just have something there. (To view anyone's Bio Block, click on their handle, and then click on “View Portfolio” in the dropbox that pops up.)

It'd also be good to upload a picture into that area, but it's not a big deal. You might also consider filling out your “Biography” page, but just getting something in your Bio Block is enough to show fellow members that you mean to stick around a while. And that's a big deal; a lot of writers come through here, post something, and disappear. Putting in the time to review something by someone who might not even be around to read the review can be a deterrent to serious reviewers.

Once you get your Bio Block filled out—and whether or not you upload a picture or touch your Biography page—go do some reviews. Doing reviews is great for your writing, as thinking critically of others' work helps you see how to improve your own. But for site purposes, it does a few things. It gets you involved with other writers and it shows that you mean to be involved with the site—another thing potential reviews want to see, because of that investment of time thing.

It doesn't matter if your reviews are masterpieces or look like anyone else's reviews. Review how you're comfortable reviewing, whether as from the standpoint of a reader or a student learning writing from both sides, or whatever. You can check out others' reviews to get some ideas on the Public Review Page. You can get to that by looking over at the left-hand column of any WdC page (or, if you're on your phone, click on those three bars at the top left.) Go down to the “Community” link and click it. A box will pop up; scroll down to “Public Reviews” and get you an eyeful.

There are tons of other ways of getting involved, but I don't want to overload you. And it's probably best to just explore and see what you find. Besides, you already found one great way of getting involved and therefore seen; your reply to that notebook post just got you two reviews, at least!

Now, let's get to your story!

I'm going to pick on your first paragraph a lot, as it's the opening and your Big Chance to pull in readers/reviewers. I beg you to bear with me, as after that I'm going to talk about your story as a whole rather than line-editing, I promise. I'm going to put excerpts from that paragraph in rose-colored text to make things easy to see.

Elise had found herself in the back of an alley she knew how this would end eventually.
         Using past perfect tense (which utilizes “had” or “have”) makes it seem like we've missed part of the story before we've even begun. And, as it turns out, we haven't, so just deleting the “had” would take care of this problem without changing the meaning of the sentence at all.
         The next thing I see is that this sentence is made up of two complete sentences that are just run together. You need a period and capitalization where the two sentences end and begin: back of an alley. She knew how
         Now! Aside from those bits, it is definitely an attention-grabber to put us in this back alley as an opening. And then there's the immediate hook of knowing the MC knows how this will end; it makes us want to know what she does, which is what makes us want to read onward. Content-wise, you're good; you just need to get the mechanics up to snuff so readers can follow the content smoothly.

She had neither for much of her life she merely was a faceless cog that obeyed the system.
         You have the same problem with running two sentences together here. Just for future reference, people will call this a “comma splice” if you happen to have a comma between the two complete sentences. They might call it a run-on sentence, but that term encompasses other things as well. What it is is a “fused sentence” if you want to Google it for examples and ideas. (A fused sentence is two independent clauses jointed by no kind of punctuation or words like “and”,”or,” or “but.” I keep calling “independent clauses” “complete sentences” because I think that might be better understood.)
         Anyway, here's where you need a period and capitalization to separate the independent clauses: She had neither. For much of her life
         Now! The mention of a gang or pimp being things someone in her place in life would usually have is a good introduction to your world. It hooks a reader further; it made me want to know what kind of a world she lives in, and what her place in it is as well as what that means. Good stuff!

Her world Thane was a colony lead by the most progressive, and sensitive minds.
         The word “Thane” is renaming “Her world” and doesn't change the meaning of the sentence, so it should have commas before and after it: Her world, Thane, was
         Google “appositives” for more information. But, really, remember that Google is pretty smart. You don't have to know terms to Google what you want to know about writing. You can Google, “when to put commas before and after a word,” too.
         Along those same lines, you either need a comma after “sensitive” or you need to delete the one after “progressive.” It all depends on how you want the sentence to flow, and what you want it to mean. For instance:
         the most progressive and sensitive minds would loop the two adjectives together, making them more closely related to one another.
         the most progressive, and sensitive, minds would put extra stress on the “and sensitive” part, which would put more interest on that adjective. It would make me think, “Oh? Sensitive in what way?”
{indent]}Also, “lead” is present tense. The past tense form is “led.” A lot of writers use “lead” as the past tense as well, because of how the word “read” works. But this verb works differently. “Lead” for present tense. “Led” for past tense. And since the rest of this paragraph is in past tense, it should be “led” here.
         Now! Woo-hoo, a world name, and a solidifying of this as a sci-fi piece even without the item description, which is definitely something you want to establish early on, and you have. Nicely done!

Who promptly guided the world into a living hell a colony world of acceptance and compassion had none for people like her.
         Technically, this is a fragment, but fragments are used all the time to flavor writing, and I think that “flavor” kind is what you have, here. The only things keeping it from being readily understood are the word “promptly” and a missing word.
         First, “promptly” doesn't sound like the right adverb here. Everything else here has established that the world is the way it is and has been for at least long enough for Elise to be where she is. Therefore, an adverb that means “immediately” doesn't fit.
         Second, that missing word: and compassion [that] had none
         Now! I do like that we're finding out that we've maybe entered a utopia-type world through the POV of someone who isn't living the utopian side of things. And that is awesome; one of my favorite types of sci-fi stories to read.

Doing as she was told and holding her values had brought her to this disabled state.
         ”Disabled” doesn't seem to fit as an adjective, here. Disadvantaged, maybe?

All right, I'm not going to pick on the rest of your story like I did this first paragraph. For one, I don't want to overload you and the things I've pointed out here are of the reoccurring sort. What I've pointed out should get you on the road of finding these sorts of things for yourself and editing accordingly. For two, I want to focus on the actual story, so you know what you're fighting for as you learn how to work with writing mechanics. Because, oh man, you have story-making ideas worth the fight to learn mechanics.

The two main things I would pay attention to in my next revise were this my story is fused sentences and verb tenses. We've already talked about fused sentences. For verb tenses, you establish this story as in past tense, but you sometimes flip over into present tense verbs. Watch out for those, and when you see them, flip them over into past tense.

Let's pick just a little more to make sure you know what I'm talking about:

Elise leaned against the alley wall limping away from her attacker her she had been stabbed twice her side was warm.
         This sentence is actually three sentences fused together: Elise leaned against the alley wall limping away from her attacker. She had been stabbed twice. Her side was warm.
         Also, that she leaned against a wall contradicts the information that she's limping away from her attacker. One action is stationary; the other is in motion. You might want to consider having her pause against the wall, then continue limping away.

She lifted her left hand out from under where her right breast meets the arm.
         Here's an example of a “tense flop.” Your story is in past tense, but “meets” is in present tense. It should be: right breast met the arm.
         Now! It's great, though, that we learn of her injury in the second paragraph. You establish the world, and then you drag us right into something interesting that's going on now.

She leaned against the wall her hand shinned with the blood
         Fused sentence: the wall. Her hand
         And “shinned” should be “shined”

Okay, now I picked on your first two paragraphs when I promised I'd only pick on one. I hope you'll forgive me. And I hope it helps you further to find the fused sentences through the story and revise them. Once you've done that, I think other reviewers as well as your own research can help you. Reading and reviewing will also help; read published pieces to get a feel for how other established writers work their craft. Review to help you learn how to think critically of writing.

I think, maybe, that English is not your first language? There is a structure here I've seen in other writers who are not writing in their first language. If English is not your first language, you are doing very well! Also, that information may be something you want to put in your Bio Block. It will help other reviewers know how to review you.

When I first saw your title, I thought it sounded like the title of a chapter, rather than a story. And now that I've read the item, I'm seeing that it is an opening chapter rather than a complete story, so the title fits nicely!

The disadvantaged girl, in a weakened state, finding a power from any source reminds me of superhero stories or anime, both of which I'm a fan of. You have me wondering where this new power (and the voice that comes with it) comes from. Since it's sci-fi, I'm wondering if it's because of a sci-fi device. It makes me wonder if the weapon she picked up had nanites on it, or maybe a sci-fi or alien virus that caused this. In any case, I'd want to read ahead to find out just what was going on, while also being interested in her journey.

What really interests me, as the kind of reader I am, is the relationship between her and this voice/technology/new power and how they'll work together and grow. When her father is about to die and the power/voice is wondering at the connotations of the relationship—and then when he dies and the voice has very technical information for it while Elise has to be in emotional turmoil—that's the kind of setup I love to read more about. I'd be very eager to see how she evolves because of this power/voice/technology, as well as how it evolves because of her.

I want to know where it came from, what it is. I want to know more about Elise and this world you've begun to build. I want to know its nuances and its sites. And these are the things that make learning the mechanics so worth it. Because you have wonderful, beautiful ideas and characters. These things I've said I want to know more about are perfect hooks to get a reader to keep with the story, as far as content. You just need to bring the mechanics up to make it a smooth ride, and to make more people see the wonderful things you're doing with storytelling and characterization!

I hope you find your place on Writing.com. Check out the site, explore the links in the left-hand column, and see what you find here. That's how I found wonderful help and places to go. That, and research and study, are the ways I came as far as I have in my writing.

My best advice is: love the journey. Revel in what you learn and be proud of it.

Welcome! Welcome to Writing.com. Even if you don't yet know just where on here you belong, you'll find it if you keep exploring. The site is very diverse. There are niches, and yet it still feels like one big family.

If you have any questions about my review, or need any further explanation of anything, or just want to tell me more about the story, please feel free to include any of that in a reply to this review. It'll come to me as email, and I'm a glutton for email, even though I can't always reply to it immediately. I will reply!

Thank you for sharing your work. I'm very glad I got to read it!

Chy








My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .