\"Writing.Com
*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
BY ONLINE AUTHORS
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/my_feedback/action/view/id/4457174
Review #4457174
Viewing a review of:
Image Protector
Falling River, River Falling Open in new Window. [13+]
A river is made for crossing, but what happens when it suddenly shifts downward?
by LdyPhoenix Author Icon
Review by Choconut Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Access:  Public | Hide Review (?)
Hi LdyPhoenix Author Icon

I am happy to be reviewing you on behalf of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" Open in new Window..

This is your first review from your Hazelnut Praline Package, gifted to you from your Secret Santa.

Please remember these are only my opinions, and any advice given is with the sole intention of being helpful.

My first thoughts: Wow. This story is beautifully written. Your descriptions are first class, and I felt I was a part of the story. I could feel and see the cold, damp outside world and the suffocating, terrifying inside world. I love how you show the adult River trying to save and protect her younger self. When I got to the end and read that it is based on a dream or nightmare you had, it made it feel even more poignant.

Plot: River has escaped some kind of trauma. She appears to have been abused as a child. This story sees her trying to look after the young version of herself, to protect her from the inevitable. I thought the end was nicely done. The way everything seems to be running on a loop makes the nightmare even scarier, and it reflects how trauma has a tendency to run on a loop; how it's hard to be truly free from the monster.

Characters: River. If I'm honest, I didn't completely get the reason why the character was called River. I know she dissolves into the water and is swept along in the river, but it confused me a little when you first had her call herself River. I thought she was speaking to the water, at first.

The faceless man interests me. It rings true with a lot of trauma, where the victim can't always remember the attacker's face(s) or the details of what happened. I like the way you show him still trying to get to your character, even when she escapes into the outside world.

Grammar/Typos: Just a couple of minor points:
"She picks the girl up, setting her on the self to climb through." ~ It should be shelf.
" Wider the waters grow until all she could do is bare her teeth and descend." ~ Everything else in this story is in the present tense, so could isn't the right tense to use. It should be can.

What I liked: Your description. It's some of the best I've read. The whole description of the water falling off her body at the beginning is a great hook. It's so nicely written. In particular, this sentence: "Drops of water roll down her arms, across the back of her hands, before sluggishly dropping off her fingers." There are many other places that I could mention as my favourite parts because it's like watching a movie. It feels cinematic. Does that make sense? I want to mention this part, though, because it is perfection: "The cold that overtook her spine now spreads to her gut, blooming into barbed dread." Just ... wow.

Suggestions: Only one. At the beginning, when we are getting familiar with the story setting and the characters, you write, "Yet the sun shines bright in a clear blue sky. She finds herself on the tall grasses beside a churning river." As I first read this, I thought the sun found herself on the tall grasses. I thought it would be a story of personification of the sun. It confused me momentarily.

I really enjoyed this story. I love your writing. It really sinks into the reader's skin and pulls them inside the story. Great work!

Most importantly, keep writing!

Choconut


Sig. for my Chocolate Emporium reviews. Made by Hannah.
Purple Panther sig. 2. Gifted by [Link To User tblakely5] .



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
   *CheckG* You responded to this review 12/17/2018 @ 11:45pm EST
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/my_feedback/action/view/id/4457174