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Review #4476984
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Review by Choconut Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: | (4.0)
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Hi clkottke,

I am happy to be reviewing you on behalf of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" Open in new Window.. This is the Strawberry Surprise review you were gifted from my Chocolate Emporium by Patricia Gilliam Author Icon.

Please remember these are only my opinions, and any advice given is with the sole intention of being helpful.

My first thoughts: I was drawn to your folder of animal-related items. This story, in particular, stood out to me because of your brief description. 'A rough collie who is afraid of the water.' I had a Collie X who was terrified of water. Even puddles, he would walk a foot around them to avoid getting his paws wet. It must be a collie thing. I now have a black lab who adores water, and it took some getting used to, after years of having Jake who was terrified.

Plot: This is a heartwarming story of a brave collie who conquers his fear to save a little boy's life. I wonder if it is a true story, as I see you genuinely have a rough collie called Laddie? If it is true, I'd love to know if this conquered his fear permanently, or whether he is scared of water again now. It's a lovely tale, it really is. Laddie sounds adorable.

Characters: Well, Laddie is definitely the star of this story. He is only a pup himself, and he has a fear: water. I love how the events are related through Laddie's eyes. This sentence made me chuckle: "Laddie noticed how small they were; as a dog, he guessed they were just puppies." I love that! I'm sure it's how they think.

Grammar: Just a few minor points ... "'You know you aren't going to be able to keep that Laddie.'" There should be a comma before Laddie. Also, "He finally tugged hard enough to get lose ..." It should be loose. Finally, "' Yes, Laddie, You're a hero, you're a superhero in my book boy.'" It should be a period after Laddie, and a new sentence for "You're a hero ..." Also, you need a comma before boy.

What I liked: Laddie! He is so brave. He also comes across as being such a cutie. I love the narration that comes from Laddie and the way we see the world through his eyes.

Suggestions: As the story is told by Laddie, it would be nice to see why he is afraid of the water. It would be nice if you show us his thoughts and feelings around that. It could be really interesting. Other than that, the place I stumbled over was where you write, "'Okay, Laddie, not ready to go yet?'" Then, you start a new paragraph and write, "'Okay, Laddie,' his mamma said, 'I guess you don't want to go home yet.'" This is essentially the same thing, and also starting a new paragraph is a little confusing. I would take out the second part if I were you. It's not necessary.

This is an enjoyable read that left me with a huge smile on my face. Laddie is a great character, and I would lvoe to read about more of his antics. Nice work!

Most importantly, keep writing!

Choconut


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