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 Review #4477001 |
 | Vivianca's Crossroads  [13+] Will she finally destroy the one thing she risked eternity to possess?  |
| (3.5)| Hello, Joto-Kai ! I found your story at the 'Review Requests' section on the Hub page. You're asking for a hard-hitting review and want the reviewer to destroy you if we can. Not sure I can do that, but I'm going to try.  I've taken a few days to mull your story around in my mind, and here are a couple of thoughts that I hope might help with the editing of your story.  First Impression: After finishing the story, I had to ask myself one question: What is this story about exactly? What is the underlying thread? Good vs Evil? A love story? Redemption? Without that one underlying thread, the story falls apart. I also felt that I was tossed into a first chapter rather than a complete story because there was backstory missing, and therefore, I could not get a visual on the characters. I see nothing wrong when an author wants the reader to perhaps picture some things in our minds without a ton details, but in this case, I could not get a visual on exactly who these people were—I got the relationships, but I did not bond with any of the characters. You wanted a comment on the fial part of the story, and by the time I got to the end, I really liked the twist—man, I didn't see that coming, so good work! Suggestions: You wanted to know if this was a Supernatural romance, and I would say yes. I would suggest you enter it as a genre because it's a popular genre for a search. Comments on POV: For me, it was all over the map. Why? Because the story opens with Shariel, so naturally, in my head, I think we're going to follow the journey of this character, but that was not the case. By the time I was done reading, the strongest character is Vivianca. So, right from the beginning everything we read should be from her perspective and no other character—only what she can see, think, and feel. Focus on a stronger hook. Like I've mentioned, it starts off like I'm in the next chapter of a novel. I feel a lot of things have to be established at the beginning even before the first paragraph you've written to grasp the setting and scene. Start me off with the surroundings and focus on one character—describe them and their purpose, what they are. By the second paragraph it mentions 'the Wrath' and from there, the Verge of Judgment, and the King of Heaven. What is this exactly? What does it have to do with these two characters? You may want to revisit some of the phrasing and word repeats. For instance, in this sentence, check how many of the word 'that' there is. She searched that face for any sign that he cared, that he thought... I also got confused with the intro of new characters, I believe, near the end. Who is Michelle and Evander? It seemed like they were just tossed in there, and again, I need the backstory on who they are exactly in relation to the thread of the story. It doesn't have to be a lot. Sometimes even one sentence can clarify a character's purpose.  Characters: Most of all, zone in on Vivianca. I take it she is the main character since she's in the title. I only got a glimmer of what she looked liked at the beginning. These are very important details because this will add to the 'who' she is, and also, we will get a clear picture about her personality. I saw some of it with her quick wit, but I want to see more of her shine. Ryan is the secondary character. I did not get a visual on him at all, so by adding more details on him would help ground his personality. By showcasing these two characters the most, I feel the story would flow better. Final Thoughts:Now, after all that, I do have some favorite parts. The strongest element of the story is the surprise twist at the end. Nice work on revealing it by dropping breadcrumbs here and there. I didn't see it coming at all.  I enjoyed the visual with this line: A nagging sense wrapped about her like a constrictor snake in her collar. It's well written because you can feel exactly what she felt. Overall, I think you have the basics for an awesome story. I just want more details on where this is taking place and more explanation on a few of the places, like the Verge of Judgement etc.. The characters are there, but need more in order for them to standout. I think Vivianca is a great character, and at times, I could feel the emotion, so she's just about there, and with a bit of tweaking, she will shine! Happy writing to you.  ~Lornda    My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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You responded to this review 04/04/2019 @ 9:53am EDT