Hi, Luna:

This is my way of introducing myself to you, fellow writer. I swing by ports, looking for something to keep me occupied on a quiet Friday night. Fortunately for you, I find the title of this submission from random Read and Review intriguing. So, let me stop in, take a read and offer you a review.

Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement. My observations and suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green.

Formatting
Paragraphing and spacing are essential elements in writing (whether formal or informal) to be understood and to be taken seriously. This is especially true if your goal is to be published one day.

Bear in mind that each new idea should be in one paragraph. Transitioning from one idea to the next should be in a separate paragraph, as well.

*Content
I cannot determine whether this story is Fiction or Non-Fiction. It's sort of mixing up reality and imagination in your presentation of scenes.

As far as *Mechanics, *Syntax and *Punctuation Marks are concerned, here are some snippets I cut and pasted that need tweaking for clarity, readability:

You ot to be, [Did you mean "ought?" [Misspelling]

*Dialogue
I see you're employing dialogue showing your characters interacting with each other. What is missing here is the application of punctuation marks to clarify who is talking. I do notice that some of your quotations are punctuated correctly. What you need to do is to be consistent. All your direct quotes should be in open and close quotation marks for clarity and readability. Additionally, start a new paragraph for each speaker for clarity and readability.

Point of View
Limit yourself to one Perspective Character per scene, preferably per chapter, ideally per book.That means no switching POV characters within the same scene, let alone within the same paragraph or sentence.
We need to remind ourselves to avoid sliding into an Omniscient viewpoint.
First person POV: the perspective character tells the story. {I am writing a story about myself}

Second person POV: (Uses “you”, “your” construction and the narrator makes “you,” the reader, become the protagonist. (More popular in non-fiction; rare in fiction.)

Third person POV: Most common in storytelling – third person. The story is about he or she/him or her, or the character is mentioned by name.

Third Person Omniscient: The story is still about he or she, but the narrator writes from the all-knowing, all-seeing perspective and is not even limited by time.
These are the recommendations I can offer you this time. As I pointed at the outset, formatting your manuscript for readability and clarity is paramount. This can be fixed and resolved as you keep on writing, as well as, reading works of authors who have proven themselves in their writing craftsmanship. Below is a snippet I cut and pasted to show you what I'm referring to: Are you talking about the same person or two different individuals?

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...By the time I made it to my door, the hours have passed by. I opened the door and slugged myself across the empty room then, plopped myself backwards on to the bed. I was drenched in sweat.

Staring off into space, she loses herself in the vast empty void. Floating endlessly into the deep abyss she disappeared. Waiting for someone to come a rescue her.

************
*Disclaimer
I hope my observations and suggestions can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the mechanics in writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.

*Over-all take away
This first chapter has a potential to hook your reader with clean-up and polishing. This is especially true in the area of dialogue.

Keep writing, Luna. Go back and revise where areas need revising. It's hard work and time-consuming, but, it's worth your effort. Revising is what writing is all about.




My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .