%%USERNAME%%    %%ACCWORDS%% %%ONOFF%% |
 Review #4481817 |
 | Singularity  [13+] When machines become sentient, what chance does man have? A Quotation Inspiration Entry  |
| (3.5)| Mr 🌕 HuntersMoon, Ken I promised you this review and I hope you find it helpful. The following is merely my opinion of your writing, so please make use only of what you feel is relevant to your vision and ignore the rest.  General Comments ~I enjoyed reading your story. The scary AI 'rise of the machine' take-over is a popular conception of the future, shared by the likes of Elon Musk, and various filmmakers. It is entirely possible computers could take over the world and force people to go underground in both the literal and figurative senses. I understood the metaphor with regards to the characters lacking teeth.  The story is, however, not without its problems. The main one is that it really lacks a plot. It is tough with such a short short story to incorporate one, but you will need to construct one to take this from being a vignette or a partial scene to a full-blown short story. See "Story Plots - How To Create A Good One" Davi needs to have some proper conflict. He needs to have a story goal and there needs to be an antagonist to try and thwart him. There is too much backstory (the second half) and the passing machines are background colour rather than a real threat in this scene. Your readers need something to get their teeth into. Mechanics ~"Which came first? The chicken or the egg?" Received wisdom says you shouldn't start a story with dialogue. and to avoid cliches. However, there are cases where the rules can be broken if done right. You've started with dialogue; a question which one can argue is a tad cliched but it does have a strong philosophical basis. It can also be argued, that on occasion, it is a pertinent question. And in this case, it works as an opening line because the next paragraph the point of view character asks - "What's a chicken?" This leads the reader to ponder why Davi doesn't know what a chicken is and then they want to find out. Davi looked up and peered through the flickering light. This second sentence introduces your point of view character. What it doesn't do is to give the reader any other information. How old is Davi? What is the source of the flickering light? Is it a candle or a flashlight? You need to flesh out your character and the story world by adding in little descriptive indicators which orient your reader and help them build up pictures in their mind. We can't see what's in your imagination so you need to help us out. (You need to show the reader the story world through Davi's eyes.) Tamor the Wise laughed, a low rumble in the darkness. "It was a bird. They've been extinct for a long time," he replied. He replied is an unnecessary dialogue tag. The reader can infer from the previous sentence it is Tamor's reply. A hand appeared out of the darkness and cuffed him. "Owwww!" Davi smiled(.), knowing that i(I)t hadn't really hurt but it pleased Tamor to think that he had made his point. When you're writing from a character's point of view, you need to eliminate filter words like knew/knowing, watched/saw etc. They clutter the text and can throw the reader off. Tamor appeared in the light and placed his hand on the cave wall. "Here, feel!" he commanded. "It's a transport. You can tell by the pulsing it makes." Again, the tag -he commanded- is unnecessary. The command can be inferred. I think it is also worth mentioning at this point that wherever possible, 99% of the time whenever a tag is necessary, you should stick to he/she said/asked because they are virtually invisible to the reader whereas words instead of said (WIOS) jump out and can throw the reader off. Davi obediently touched the wall and felt the rhythmic thumping. If you need to qualify a verb with an adverb, it is better to rearrange the sentence so you can avoid the -ly suffix. Also, in this sentence, the word felt is telling. It is something you could show which would help define a little of his character. Example - Obedient, Davi touched the wall. The rhythmic thumping too regular and mechanical. He shivered and pulled his hand away. "Diggers won't have a regular pattern. They will feel scattered as they gouge the earth and then drop their load." I was a little perplexed by the future tense used here. Is there a reason Tamor doesn't say -"Diggers don't have a regular pattern. They (feel?) scatter as they gouge the earth then drop their load." ? Tamor disappeared again and returned holding a thin book. Davi strained in the weak light to read the title: "Old MacDonald."  Nice bit of humour. He was proud that he had learned to read over the past year since he had been unchosen as Tamor's apprentice. The selection process was arduous. For each round, potential apprentices were “chosen,” meaning they would be used elsewhere in the community. When one was “unchosen,” he was deemed unfit for other duties and allowed to remain. Tamor was an honored elder – his search, however, was seen as a waste of time. Because of his status, he was allowed to continue but only someone deemed of low use was allowed to help him. Ok, I get you wanted to be different and have it be known Davi is a bit of a societal reject - "Unchosen" - but to do this you have had to resort to an infodump in order to explain this. You have two options here, either dispense with the idea altogether and make Davi chosen by Tamor, or try and weave in the dumped info into the story rather than throw the reader off with the glaring point of view shift from close third person (Davi) to third omniscient (the author). With the sun having set, the night chill penetrated even down to the level they were at. 1) This is an awkwardly constructed sentence - The sun had set and the night chill penetrated down to their deep underground level. 2) I think you need to put this sentence earlier in the story so the readers know from the outset Davi and Tamor are deep underground. "Not too much," Tamor said warningly. Warningly is unnecessary because the warning is inferred. "What we failed to see," he continued, "was a paradise for whom. ? I think you could do with rephrasing this to make it less confusing. Example - What we envisaged was a paradise, but what we failed to foresee was whose paradise. Turning it over, in the faint glow of the fire, he made out the letters 'C-h-e-y-e-n-n-e.' Maybe it is because I'm not from the US, but I didn't understand the significance of the word Cheyenne on the metal plate. Is it important to the story? If not I would leave it out and concentrate on giving Davi a tough challenge, problem or struggle to contend with. After a few seconds, he seemed to collapse, sitting abruptly on the dirt floor. Either he collapses or he doesn't. Seemed is one of those naughty filler words which can clutter the text. Also, it is better to try and eliminate the need for an -ly adverb by using a stronger verb. Example- After a few seconds, he plumped down on the dirt floor and sat blinking away the tears in his eyes. Davi grinned, feeling a surge of accomplishment. "The answer to your chicken or egg question?" he joked. Ok, first - feeling a surge of accomplishment- is both telling and filtering. Try something like - Davi grinned so wide his cheeks hurt. Secondly - he joked - is an unnecessary WIOS. "And bite!" blurted Davi. You don't need the tag here. Fiction writing is hard. It is the writer's job to hammer out each word, sentence and paragraph so the whole story transports the reader into its pages and allows the reading to flow seamlessly from beginning to end. Story writing is like any other skill worth mastering, it needs lots of practice. However, with a bit of work and some thought I'm certain your creativity will succeed in realizing your story's full potential. I think this story is definitely worth the effort.  Thank you for sharing your story.  Keep writing and have fun!   }
Easy reading is damn hard writing. ~ Nathaniel Hawthorne  My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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