\"Writing.Com
*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
BY ONLINE AUTHORS
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/my_feedback/action/view/id/4482176
Review #4482176
Viewing a review of:
 Invalid Item Open in new Window. []

by A Guest Visitor
Review by ruwth Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Access:  Public | Hide Review (?)

May God bless both of us as we grow as writers together!


Azrael,

I am reviewing your poem as a fellow participant in "I Write in 2019" Open in new Window..

The contest you entered with this item was "The Pink Fluffy Unicorn Contest" Open in new Window.. I will mention, I prefer to see the information about the contest and prompt included at the bottom of your item in a discrete manner. You can see a couple of examples of how I do it in these recent entries: "~ To Be Alone or With Others, That Is My Quandary ~ " Open in new Window. and "~ The Broken Umbrella ~" Open in new Window..

Title:

Your current Title is "To Catch A Unicorn". To be honest, I have not yet read your poem so can not yet say whether the title fits your work but I can tell you this: the title intrigues me and would draw me to your item. That is a good thing.

Brief Description:

Your current Brief Description is "A story poem for the Pink Fluffy Unicorn contest.". I used to do this kind of thing with my own Brief Descriptions when I wrote something for a contest. Now I try not to. This is perfect information for an author's note at the bottom of your item but is not really a good use of the space provided for a brief description. We need to use this space to lure readers to our work. These words would not really work like that, would they?

The Main Course:

Okay, now I have read your story-poem. It is full of cleverness! I think there is one typo: "booped my wrinkled nose". I think the grandfather would bop a nose not boop it. *Wink*

I have a suggestion now for your Brief Description:

"What bait should I use to lure the magical creature out of hiding?"

You get the idea.

Your free-verse style of poem does tell a story and you have broken your story into 50 lines to create the form of a story-poem. My only issue is that your poem fails my read aloud test in that I don't hear poetry when I read it. Prose can sound poetic. Here is an example of something I wrote as a letter for the Dear Me contest one year: "Dear..." Open in new Window.. It was NOT suppose to be a poem but because I chose to center my words, folks have consistently SEEN it as a poem. It does have a poetic sound when read aloud, doesn't it.

Summary:

So, I would prefer a different flow with your words but, I must tell you, I loved the trip to storyland as your different baits drew bunnies and Tigger and such! A very creative idea.

Now all you need to do is follow the rainbow... and wax poetic! *Wink*




You have been reviewed by a member of
the "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" Open in new Window.



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
   *CheckG* You responded to this review 04/29/2019 @ 12:33pm EDT
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/my_feedback/action/view/id/4482176