%%USERNAME%%    %%ACCWORDS%% %%ONOFF%% |
 Review #4482582 |
| Hello jdennis01jaj My name is Quick-Quill   and I'm responding to your request for a review of "Invalid Item"   TitleInteresting, however it didn't draw me to read. It seemed an uninspired title which didn't match the following story. BeginningAt the first line the style of writing engaged me. I read the KJV Bible and the flow and choice of words works well with this story to pull me into the era and setting. the yard of forgotten souls where my father was laid to rest, I knew exactly what it was, the phrasing of it felt in tune with the rest of the 'verse.' Setting It would seem to be a rural setting of a cottage of some sort not far from the above mentioned plot of land. strength to push myself back toward the refuge of my house. This spoke volumes as to the his effort. While I perceived him to be some distance, it would seem his house to be quite close to the cemetery. Characters We have a man of indeterminable age. Not knowing this, inhibited my ability to reference the degree of difficulty he might have reaching his home. Were he of an age, his infirmities might restrain his gait and the ghoul could have easily overtaken him. Where as a younger man might move with a swiftness that would and would allow the ghoul to gain entrance his shelter and therefore his prize would be doubled. GoalIt would seem in this story, the ghoul's goal to devour the main character to be easily understood. The man's goal to put distance between himself and the ghoul is paramount. You've done an amazing job portraying the ghoul with his fiendish devouring of the corpse to now wanting warmer flesh. MotivationThe purpose of escaping being eaten is evident. You gave an excellent description of the ghoul eating the corpse Conflict The escape and chase is enough, followed by the ultimate consumption The PlotA well written piece.It follows a well plotted story line. However at the end, why does the "brother" open the door when his "brother" obviously has entered and demanded the door to be shut immediately. The other man doesn't follow what I would consider appropriate reactions. I wouldn't open the door. What I likedWhat I loved about this story is the read. I thoroughly loved the style and read of this story. My SuggestionsMy only suggestion is expanding the section from the cemetery to the house. It seemed a bit rushed and I think the story would benefit from a bit more agnst. How did he run? Again his age is going to determine the gait. Why didn't the ghoul overtake him? He might think on that as he moves, can he feel a foul stench enveloping him? Will he make it to his house. Once there, how will he keep the ghoul from entering? Maybe establish that to his knowledge ghouls cannot enter a house unless invited. Once he reaches the house and enters, the door being shut, he feels relief and safe. Only to have the cold fear return as his Brother reaches to open the door. However, if the bother shows some kind of revelation that he is somewhat akin to the ghoul buy a change of demeanor or physical appearance, then for him to open the door would seem normal. I hope this helps.   My review has been submitted in"Good Deeds Get CASH!"  My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
|
|||
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
You last responded to this review 05/01/2019 @ 2:12pm EDT