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Hello, My name is Mastiff and I'll be reviewing your piece. These are just my thoughts and forgive me if I ramble, and realize I make just as many mistakes as anyone else. Thank you for sharing your writing, and I hope this is helpful! This is, of course, part of the I Write 2019 Contest, and I tend to go deep in these things anyway, but always as positive as possible! Title: It's used and unremarkable. But when I read the subtitle, and it also did give much away. I decided to wait. While I might get some more insight if the cover picture was on the front of a book, but beware of judging on that alone. I've seen it done. Give a very vague title, a little nudge, and you have me reading the first paragraph. If you meant to do that, bravo! If not, I'm afraid only the first applies. Initial Reaction: So, you got me in... let's see where we go. If you flip around the (not moving) stone grazing her (moving) hands, you have a nice open. Aside from taste, which would be difficult but not impossible, you covered four senses. Normally, this is where I would really decide if I would review a piece, and here I would. I preach using the senses. Setting: Very good start. Aside from what I've already said, I can picture a fire somewhere creating the color you describe. You don't seem to have issues with setting a nice picture. As I continue through, I see it isn't just a one time thing, you keep us in the place well. Character Development: Interesting. She doesn't know herself, but we learn she can see heat patterns. Unusual arrangement, it is, but I can't say I don't like it quite a bit. I'm meeting your rescuers, and they're fairly well done, you kind of get that Norse vibe even before the reference. By the way, I'd make people look it up. We also now know about the monster. I'm glad it wasn't a relative or something. Those can be worse monsters. Plot: It was very well done. I didn't know before, but when Leif stabbed her, I figured she was a "monster" as well. Now to see what twist might await! The lettering on the names is a nice touch. You slip her back into the story a bit harshly while Lief is talking to Nanna. Consider inserting her just a little earlier with a "she listened quietly to them" so it doesn't seem so abrupt. Ending: It hits fast after we know the girl is a "monster" as well. There's a nice debate about it, too. If I'd do anything, I'd name the real monster when it speaks. Again, it's a bit abrupt, and that might soften it up. Line-by-line and Suggestions: Para. 1 Ln. 4 - Comma after "her." Para. 2 Ln. 2 - That line may come across better as, "Do I even have clothes?" Especially if she's experiencing memory loss. Or just "did" instead of "do." Just a suggestion. Para. 3 Ln. 1 - Consider a comma after "clothed." Para. 16 Ln. 4 - Not sure if that should be "shined" or not. Shone is a past or past participle, and you're in the present. Para. 30 Ln. 4 - Either a comma before "which" or use "that" instead. Para. 38 Ln. 3 - Did you mean to say "the" girl? If you did, you make me think they were searching for her in particular! Overall - I'm surprised there are so few edits and just ideas. On this many words, it's usually much longer, and I think you write very well! Happy Writing! Mastiff
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