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A review by iguanamountain --- member of "WYRM"  , A group for those dedicated to writing and reviewing speculative fiction.

The Blasphemer's Cypher
by London

Chapter 10 - Day Saint Gam騏(Rev 3)

Hi London, continuing with this story...

(opening sentence)
>>> I’m so distracted by my worries over Lady Margaté’s dress that during Prayer Services, I must confess I didn’t read a passage in the Book last night and don’t have anything to talk about when it’s my turn.
There is a question: Is this a memory of a past event?[during prayer services] Or an explanation. What is the real-time action?
Note in the paragraph (first paragraph) the following passive adverbs:
speaking - singing - talking - winking -
How does this side-thread move the story forward? If it doesn't-- delete.

>>> During café break, people tell me they’re excited to hear me perform and reassure me I’ll be wonderful.
Another memory of past event: [during cafe break] and rehashed information UNTIL Mr. Osmacadia's invitation, which is the first forward movement.

>>> “Please sit,” Mr. Dalfodia says as soon as I get into the arboretum.
Now this is the first real-time action.
(Think about how the action should flow... if you stay in real time.)

>>> I settle into a chair and moments later, Mr. Osmacadia enters carrying a paper box unlike anything I’ve ever seen. He places it in my hands. “This is for you.”

The box is so smooth, it gives out a tiny squeak as my fingers rub against it, and peacocks would be envious of the vibrant color. “I didn't know boxes could be gifts, but this is artwork I've never heard of. Thank you. It’s lovely. Am I supposed to put it in my room?”
This gets rid of four 'it's, a couple 'as', and a second 'so' and most of the internal thought Better that she say her reaction out loud, yes?.

>>> I gasp when I open it:
(The when is now: real-time in chronological order)
I open it and gasp. Inside is...

>>> I gasp when I open it: inside is a sage-green dress and an emerald scarf printed with orchids. The dress is cotton, but it has such a luxurious hand, I suspect it’s nicer than the silk we used for Promysed’s last dress. I run my hand over it, amazed at how even the stitching is.
Count how many times you use 'it'. And you have two meanings of the word 'hand'. Change the first one to 'weave'.

>>> I run my hand over it, amazed at how even the stitching is.
(more direct & tighter:)
>>> I run my hand over it, amazed at the even stitching.

>>> “Without your or your mother’s talents,
awkward, better: “Without you or your mother's talents...
It just sounds more natural.

>>> Mr. Dalfodia is grinning just as much as me. “Well, don’t make us wait. Try it on!”
(more direct & tighter & eliminate the exclamation mark.)
>>> Mr. Dalfodia is grinning as much as I am. “Well, don’t make us wait. Try it on.”

> Here's the rule: Under Newbie mistakes...
(1) The use of exclamation points. Never, never use one when you’re first starting out. It is the sign of a beginner writer and editors spot it immediately and become wary of you and your ability to write a good story. To them the use of an exclamation point is lazy. It is telling not showing. Old school rules die hard in the publishing industry. Editors will usually not read past the first 3 pages if there are exclamation points in the beginning. You could have a fabulous story but it won’t be given a chance. To get your book read, just eliminate them for now. Remember you are competing with thousands of seasoned authors. When you become famous the editors won’t care what you do because the books will make them money. The general rule of thumb in the industry is one exclamation points for every 10K words.

>>> I rush into the library as quickly as I can with a dress draped over my shoulder. As I put it on my chair to change, I wonder if they got the measurements correct. Mom…gosh! Mom measured me right after I started my apprenticeship, saying it was for the dress she’d be sewing after we finished with Mr. Osmacadia and Lady Sesedo’s orders. She’s not usually tricky. Did she make the pattern?
Analyze this paragraph. 'I rush' is perfect, you don't need 'as quickly as I can' --- It's not 'a dress' --- See the double 'as'. --- and too much explanation. OK, here's a trimmed down version [cut the fat]:
>>> I rush into the library with my gift draped over my shoulder. I put the dress over a chair to change. Did they get the measurements correct? Mom said she'd be sewing a dress after Osmacadia and Sesedo's orders. Did she make the pattern? She's not usually tricky. I slip the amazing cotton over my head.

>>> “I’m not planning on changing at all. I enjoy those books well enough, but it all seems like a huge waste of effort.” Not to mention slightly icky.
I'm not sure this is an appropriate remark after such a wonderful gift. Maybe better as a private thought?
>>> I don't plan on changing. I enjoy the books, but this seems like a huge waste of effort-- and charming the boys is icky.

>>> Day Saint Gaméu is my favorite of the whole year,
(Entire paragraph block) Can you summarize the actual legend into a couple sentences? It's too long and telling, not real-time action. The important points are:
> remembered as being notorious for her lascivious vices, gluttony, and lack of faith and ate only off gold plates.
> She repented and spent the rest of her life living on nothing but dirt while she brought bread to the poor.
This is world building using narration. Miss Jinxx must think a couple thoughts while she's munches into the delicious bread,which would be the real action. NOT TELLING the readers a story. It's the limitations of the first person POV.

>>> I can smell the bread the moment I exit Mr. Osmacadia’s house. The sun is setting, and people are lighting their torches.
This is real action and must happen BEFORE the previous block of text. Where does she get the bread?
Also to make it active instead of the 'ing' words:
>>> It is sunset. People move about to light the torches. Make a real scene.

>>> Another wonderful thing about Day Saint Gaméu is it’s the one day where all Sebalite faiths share an identical worship. Instead of our usual service, Celebrants sing the traditional Temple songs and chant the rites of Saint Gaméu. We then pray silently for mercy until the Temple bells chime. At that point, we take candles and join everybody—Communitarian, Ordained and Striver—in the Plaza Temple.
This is totally TELLING NARRATION. Miss Jinxx would have to go to the worship service herself for what purpose of forwarding the story? I think it might be over-kill of world-building.

>>> I’m crying, overwhelmed by God’s love... (passive)
I cry, overwhelmed by God’s love... (active)

>>> We sing the Hunger Song,...
>>> I sing the Hunger Song with my family and all the people.

>>> ...which is supposed to be what the people Pars sang to beg for mercy from the Grand Regent.
I would suggest deleting this explanation and go right to the next paragraph:
>>> I never make it through the line, “In my death, the Lord lifts me up,” without sobbing. Mom, too. It was the last thing Father said. We hug for the rest of the song. Virtew is hiding his tears.
BUT:
>>> I do not make it through the line,.”In my death, the Lord lifts me up.” I sob, Mom too. Those were Father's last words. We hug for the rest of the song. Virtew hides his tears.

>>> Then comes the best part.
(Entire paragraph) All of it TELLING about a religious ceremony that cannot be world-building narration. And describing the action in real-time for Jinxx is way out of the story line, plus there is no conflict or tension.
(suggest all that is needed:)
>>> I take a piece of bread from one basket and place it in a second basket. I shake as I make the offering, remembering the people I've treated without God’s love. I think about Lady Margate, I've not had a single good thought about her. I say, “I'm sorry.” I think of Hopey and my new wealth. I intend to be more forgiving, especially of Lady Margaté.

>>> She’s right behind me when we stand on the Temple stairs for our performance.
Whoa... How did Jinxx get here. Transition is missing. And 'she' must mean Lady Margate, but with new scene, she should be named.
(see *** below)

>>> Pra Traceu has been running around for at least an hour, corralling choir girls and talking to Mr. Yngsano and Melesda about the sound. This is the first time we’ve sung outdoor, and I can tell he worries the breeze will drown us out. Or pelicans flying over. I doubt they fly at night.
Question: How would she know this if she's just arrived? Someone would have to tell her, which means dialogue, but is it important to the story?

>>> Mr. Yngsano keeps reassuring him that the band has performed outside every week for all of living memory and nobody has died. Which, technically, isn’t true, but nobody has died because of a problem with the band. Besides, Mr. Jabiserys was super old, sixty or something.
Jonxx would have to HEAR this conversation. And who is she explaining it to? (see below)

> Back to the Rules: First-Person P.O.V—uses “I” a lot. Only one character (the narrator) has the camera.
The reader can only see and hear what the narrator knows. This limits the flow of information. Probably good for a mystery, but if you aren’t writing a mystery this may not be the right P.O.V for you.
3. First-Person P.O.V is a bugger when it comes to tense. Why? Because First-Person breaks into two camps.
There is the I Remember When camp and...
the Come Along with Me camp.
One is in past tense, a recollection.
The other is in present tense, and the reader is along for the ride.
Note of Caution: It is extremely easy to mix the two camps together. Tense can be problematic…okay, a nightmare.

The benefit of First-Person? First-person P.O.V. adds an intimacy that no other P.O.V. can, and is useful for stories where we might want to withhold information from the reader.

>>> “So you got a dress that’s not obscene.
*** This should be the next line after 'right behind me.'

>>> Lady Margaté says, right in my ear.
Lady Margaté said, right in my ear.

>>> While eating bread and waiting for the choir to start, I had what felt like a hundred conversations about my dress.
This is not a live action reaction to the evil whisper in her ear. She gets one fast thought. An explanation does not work. Does Jinxx even know that Margate is behind her until the whisper?
(How about:)
>>> I grit my teeth, taking one forced breath. “I got it as a gift. I don’t know any murderers.” I should have known I’d be having one more discussion, and it wouldn’t involve even an approximation of kindness.

>>> “What I thought was that I’d better be saintly in the rest of my life because I’ll never forgive your family.”
Only Margate would have reasoning like this.

>>> “Ladies and gentlemen, Day Saint Gaméu has always been my favorite of our holy days. In our own ways, we all let our selfishness harm people, and we’ve all been harmed by others, yet today we surrender our guilt and grudges to the Lord, letting Saint Gaméu take our misdeeds into her bosom.
This is too much of repeated religious sentiments. Suggest delete to:

>>> For me, outside of the ritual of bread, there is no more powerful expression of sin and forgiveness than the Miserere, and there are no better voices to express it than our daughters, our future wives and mothers, who will have much to forgive as their lives become entangled with husbands and sons.”
This is the better speech and more universal in meaning.

>>> Just before I start my solo, Lady Margaté pokes me. “Your flaaah-aht,” she sings to the melody. “Doon’t ruuuu-in it.”
Margate is such a perfect villain. Right on time.

>>> Mom and Virtew go off to help with getting things ready for Mr. Yngano’s band to play. I look for Promysed, but she’s talking with
Melesda and Lady Margaté, all of them laughing and showing off dance moves.
(So many 'ing' words...)
>>> Mom and Virtew go off to help get things ready for Mr. Yngano’s band to play. I look for Promysed, but she laughs and shows off dance moves with Melesda and Lady Margaté.

>>> Lady Margaté looks and sounds like somebody who was taught to perform from sheet music and dance steps drawn on paper by people who had never heard cantes. I don’t know what they’re saying, but Melesda and the other girls all act like they believe Lady Margaté is dancing well.
(Make it all active.)
>>> Lady Margaté looks and sounds like somebody who learned to perform from sheet music and dance steps drawn on paper by people who never heard a cantes. I can't hear their words, but Melesda and the other girls all act like they believe Lady Margaté is a good dancer.

>>> —they are so good!—
Cut the exclamation mark.

>>> It’s almost embarrassing to read something like this in a house of the Lord. It’s not a sin, but it feels uncomfortably close. I’m alone until the Beard comes out from Pra Traceu’s office. Behind his huge beard, he smiles at me, then takes a place in a pew on the opposite side of the Temple. I thank God for reminding me what true faith looks like. That’s somebody without a grain of vengeance in his heart.
(Too much passive narration:)
>>> I'm embarrassed to read something like this in a house of the Lord. It feels close to sin. I’m alone until the Beard comes out from Pra Traceu’s office. Behind his huge beard, he smiles at me, then takes a place in a pew on the opposite side of the Temple. I thank God for the reminder of what true faith looks like. That’s somebody without a grain of vengeance in his heart.

>>> After I finish a chapter, I sneak out and find a seat outside the torch lamps’s glow, where I can listen and watch without being seen. The Song Thrush is performing now, singing a song about her lover going away to the sea and never coming back, and how the siren’s call to join him in his death compels her, waking from her sleep to walk towards the lake. It’s a typical deep song, until she sings,
(simplify:)
>>> I finish a chapter and sneak out to find a seat outside the torch lamp's glow. Thrush is performing now. She sings about her lover going away to the sea and never coming back--
(cut the rest, the song does it fine.)
>>> “And I’ll hold you in my arms
And I’ll kiss your lips... etc.”

>>> There aren’t many people dancing, not when Miss Aldyna is performing, but Lady Margaté is. She’s got a clutch of well-placed boys around her. Hopey’s there, too, and most of the popular girls, all of whom have more duende than Lady Margaté. I must admit, few are prettier, and boys seem to care about that even when she strikes her heels on the wrong beats.

I get up so I can watch the Song Thrush without seeing Lady Margaté’s murder of admirers.
Move it from passive to active: Note: aren't---dancing---performing---are prettier---seem---so---seeing.

>>> Few people dance when Miss Aldyna performs, but Lady Margate is. She's got a clutch of well-placed boys around her. Hopey's there too with the popular girls. Perhaps not as pretty, but all of them have more duende than Lady Margate. The boys don't care even when she strikes her heels on the wrong beats.
I get up to watch the Song Thrush without the sight of Lady Margaté’s murder of admirers.

FINAL COMMENT: Even with my suggested revisions, the actual thinking 'voice' of Miss Jinxx does not have enough edge and aggressive thoughts. She can't be so plain and nice with all the stuff hitting her, Yes??? I would like to see more conflict between family religious ideas and Jinxx's growing awareness of herself and the often hostile world of the choir and the presence of Lady Margate. The new dress is something so important after all the humiliation about her old worn dress. This chapter has slipped back to much narration-telling rather than showing. Remember we're along for the journey, not a memory of it! Active real-time action and dialogue needs to be the guide to get Jinxx through all the challenges. Have fun. You have a very complex first-person character and we love the puzzle of her. Remember with first-person POV, sometimes world-building takes a back seat if it's not part of her awareness at the moment. Other characters often have that duty within dialogue.
Best, Gale



My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .