Hello!

I can see why you consider this one to be a work in progress, but I'm very excited with the direction that it's headed in. The form matches the narrative perfectly to give it the feel of a proper battle epic, and the high fantasy elements pulled me in right away.

I don't know a lot about poetry (or the form you're using) so the best suggestion I could make at this stage would be playing around, exchanging words, and trying to focus on the meter. The rhymes and narrative were both pretty solid, but there were a couple lines that felt like they had too many syllables squished in when you read them aloud.

I would also consider adding one more stanza - to give the impression of charging into battle. Then you still get the ambiguous end, but it feels more like there's action involved, even if we don't know who wins.

I wish you all the best with this piece, and I hope that if and when you finish working on it I get a chance to see the final product.

Thanks again for sharing it with the group!

Sincerely,

Cat




















My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .