Hi, 🌑 Darleen - QoD !

          Overall Thoughts
My first impressions of your story.

         Hello! I'm here to read and review your myth of the sun and moon as a fellow participant in "I Write"! I loved this bittersweet romantic tale of lovers separated in order to bring life to the world beneath. It was very well thought out, and I couldn't help but smile as your myth gave reason for the tides, the seasons, the passage of days, the phases of the moon, and the stars. Kudos to you for being so thoughtful in your planning and writing! I can't help but wonder if this was written for the "No Dialogue" contest. There were a handful of places where talking around the dialogue rather than writing it made the story falter a bit, but if this was written for the aforementioned contest, I see why you did it!

          — Character:

          Your characters are the sun and the moon, longing but separated in order to allow the Earth to thrive. This is a dramatic tale of their desire for each other. Romance isn't a genre I often read, but I really appreciated the thoughtfulness of your storytelling!

          — Plot:

         I won't give it away for readers, but I enjoyed that your ending revealed the "secret." It brought things full circle and made the story seem complete.

          — Description/Style:

         Good job capturing the overpowering drama of their feelings for each other! Storytelling traditions are different in myths than in regular genre fiction, but I noticed a few places where some state-of-being verbs and instances of telling could have been swapped with stronger verbs or descriptions to add a bit more weight to the narrative.

          Things I liked :
If something special stood out at me, I'll note it here.

Excellent ending. In just over 1,000 words, you told a story that feels complete and complex!

The tension you created with the sun's "secret" was good!

          Grammar/Spelling/Punctuation Suggestions:
These are things I saw that could be changed to improve the piece...

hung in the blackness of space without purpose. He stared into it without hope surrounded with lifeless rocks. — The repetition of that construction in two sentences right next to each other was a bit jarring.

came shooting through the void and hit him in the heart. — Here, the violence of an ice comet colliding with the sun isn't really captured with the verb "hit." Something like "crashed into" or "collided with" might serve this sentence better and justify the "breakage" that comes next!

Though it was consumed within his flames, — State-of-being verbs can take energy from story and prevent your powerful narrative voice from shining through. Passive voice (like you have here) often weakens otherwise strong sentences. I think active voice might give this sentence extra punch. Active voice: Though his flames consumed it [...]

He loved her without abandon — With abandon (without abandon would imply that he loved her coolly and in a controlled way, which doesn't seem to be the case for these two fiery lovers)

They grew very close and were inseparable. — In addition to the state-of-being verb (were), this sentence tells rather than shows their devotion to each other. Some concrete description of how much they longed for the other's presence might be helpful here. For example, you could describe how their bodies no longer felt whole without the other, or how to be more than a few inches apart was unthinkable, or some other thing.

quiet yet longing secretly. He'd be so far away that all she could see was that he had his back turned as he hid his secrets — The repetition here is a bit jarring. Removing or replacing one may help these lines flow more smoothly.

She shouted for him to please come closer. He could not ignore her wails and his desire for her would grow. — When I read, "he could not ignore her," I thought it was implying that he responded to her, but I don't think that was the case? Maybe a mention of how he held his tongue despite her pleas—or, if he did respond, some description of his attempts to placate her.

The Moon was miserable without him — I would love to see this miserableness shown. In fact... I think you do go on to show us how much the Sun's absence hurts here, so this sentence is a bit redundant and could be removed.

but he remained steadfast saying it would remain this way — repetition

          In Closing:
Final thoughts...

         A complex and well-thought-out romantic myth with a solid ending. Some stumbling blocks kept me from diving fully into the story, but I loved the way you connected your characters' feelings to the effects they had on Earth.

Write On!

You responded to this review 08/31/2019 @ 9:55pm EDT

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