Hello Mia,

My name is Mastiff and I'll be reviewing your piece. These are just my thoughts and forgive me if I ramble, and realize I make just as many mistakes as anyone else. Thank you for sharing your writing, and I hope this is helpful!

Title: Short and to the point, and you give us more in the sub-title. Just remember you won't always have the latter to bolster the first. Descriptive titles can often draw in readers.

Initial Reaction: I tend to stop after a little bit to decide if I want to review and read on, and you had enough of a hook in the beginning to get me to finish the story and review. That's a good thing. Catching a readers interest in a few lines means you've started off well.

Setting: It's quite short, so it's difficult to add much description. At the end, Emma "found her way into town," so I imagined it in a kind of rural setting. If you work on this more, it wold be a good way to beef it up.

Character Development: The same is true here, even though we certainly understand all the parties on an emotional level. I think knowing their ages, and capturing a snapshot of how they look would be a nice addition to what you've already accomplished.

Plot: I enjoyed it. I think it needs some revisions, additions, and polish, but it's a good start on a story.

Ending: Truthfully, I wanted to know more about what happened to Emma. At times, authors will leave a reading hanging on purpose, but be careful not to do to much of that. I'd enjoy having a few more paragraphs to let me know how it turned out for her.

Line-by-line and Suggestions:

Para. 1 Ln. 7 - This is a fragment, so consider reworking it. Also, you want "me" instead of "I."
Para. 2 Ln. 2 - When doing dialogue, you don't have to be formal. Is it more likely Cole would say, "I have.." or, "I've?" Just a thought.
Para. 3 Ln. 1 - Use a comma after "well."
Para. 3 Ln. 2 - Again, "cannot" is probably not what Emma would say. Replace it with "can't" and it will give better flow.
Para. 8 Ln. 1 - Try it without the "um." It takes away from the exclamatory sentence.
Para. 8 Ln. 3 - In general, all capitals is frowned upon in formal writing, even though they have their place. I'd replace all of them with italics.
Para. 9 Ln. 2&3 - I read your piece twice and have no idea what "comma" or "the demon" mean to the story. You could just pull those two sentences.

Overall - This would be a much easier read if you broke it into paragraphs. Start with separating the narrative from the dialogue.

Overall Opinion: I hope this didn't really happen to you or anyone you know. It was one of those times I want to slap a fictional character. It certainly needs some work, and I tried to give a bit of advice. If you decide to do a rewrite, let me know and I'll be happy to look at it again.


Writing On!

Mastiff