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 Review #4507992 |
 | Origin  [E] A man has the ability to see the genesis of any object or person he touches.  |
| (4.0)| Hello, I'm Mastiff, and I'm going to review your work! I'm just an amateur, so take it all with a grain of salt, as it's just my opinions. Thank you for sharing your writing, and I appreciate being able to read it.  First impression: I must say, you got me hooked from the start. The title doesn't give much. In fact, I never assumed it was a name. You don't always get the subtitle, so the title and the first few lines might be all you get. You did a fine job with the opening, so good job. One thing I'd mention, it's easy to add a cover picture, and they have plenty of stock items here. Use them, they can also draw people into your tale. Things That Might Make It Better: An opening chapter is a good place to let us "see" your character(s), and here is no different. A nice spot could be where you describe the black gloves. If you made him dark in hair and features, for example, we can start to get a mental image for the rest of the story. Since it is a chapter, you have more writing that can fill out the setting and develop more people who will be part of the overall body of work. Mechanics: Para. 2 Ln. 2 - Even though people are more lax about it these days, "with" is a preposition, and it's best not to end a sentence with one. (Next sentence, too.) Para. 4 Ln. 2 - Same thing. Those should be easy to work with and end them differently. Para. 6 Ln. 1 - As begins a prepositional phrase, which generally requires a comma. It would be after "beings." Also, I think you missed an "it" in there. Para. 6 Ln. 2 - Again, same thing. You need a comma after "detective" and another "it." Remove the "from" as well. Para. 7 Ln. 3 - I do believe "Depending on how you look at it." is a fragment. Para. 9 Ln. 2 - Another comma after "awhile." Also, I believe you want "mastered." Overall - Not too bad, really. Punctuation fixes and a solid edit is mostly what you need. Things I Like:I like your writing style in this piece. You seem to have a good lexicon, and it shows. But further, you put them together well. If you do write more chapters, let me know, it would be fun to follow. Overall OpinionIs it the newest plot? Maybe not. But it's not one I've seen explored often, and it looks like you're going to continue the story. It will be interesting to see where you take it!  Mastiff  
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You responded to this review 10/14/2019 @ 1:23pm EDT