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 Review #4511240 |
 | The Historian  [E] A scholar discovers some disturbing magic in an old book  |
| (4.0)  Welcome to WdC from the "Newbie Welcome Wagon" Good morning, Mataratones , and welcome to WdC. For the record, my real name is Jack Tyler. I am a former steampunk author who has transitioned to horror, but I try to review a wide variety of styles and genres. While I have a few books in print, I am neither a famous author nor a renowned critic. I'm just a guy with an opinion that I'm here to share, and if you disagree with anything I say here, remember that the only opinion that actually matters is yours. I should explain that I use this review template in which I discuss my views on the important areas of quality storytelling, then compare your work to my own beliefs on the matter. As I said, I'm no authority, but hopefully my comments will give you some ideas to take your writing in directions you hadn't previously considered. Before I pitch in, allow me to offer a suggestion: Put a little of yourself into your bio sections. You will receive much more tailored reviews if your reviewer knows a little about your background and experience level. Let me just drop a warning here, and we'll get started. THIRD-PARTY READERS TAKE NOTE: SPOILERS AHEAD STORY: This is really the basic element, isn't it? If you can't tell an engaging story, it doesn't matter what else you can do, because nobody's going to read it anyway. You should note that if you're reading this review, it means you've garnered decent to high marks in this category, or I would have moved on to something more engaging. I will try to explain aspects from characters to grammar, but I don't know how to teach someone to have an imagination, so congratulations; you've done something well already.  Your story is top-notch. Told in the fashion of those Victorian narratives where one old adventurer is telling a friend of some chilling event from years ago, this really resonated with me as a steampunk artist. A chilling little twist at the end, suggesting that the narrator wasn't as free as he thought, might have added to the horror, but it isn't necessary. This tale stands on its own, and is certainly a five-star effort in its present form. I notice your use of the "—our" ending in words like colour, and wonder whether you are an English-English writer (as opposed to American-English), or was that to "flavor" the manuscript? Knowledge like that would be helpful in tailoring my comments, and is why I suggest adding at least a small amount of personal information to your bio.CHARACTERS: This section discusses all aspects of the characters, the way they look, act, and talk, as well as the development and presentation of backstory. Allow me to present "Tyler's Axiom:" Characters are fiction. Rich, multifaceted characters with compelling backstories will seize the reader in a grip that will not be denied, and drag him into their narrative, because he can't abide the thought of not knowing what will happen to them. Conversely, lazy, shallow stereotypes will kill any story regardless of its other qualities, because the reader will be unable to answer the second question of fiction: Why do I care? You present us with a single character who is relating a tale of the purest horror. Is it real? Is he mad? The finale seems to suggest that it is indeed real, but that isn't what's important. I could easily picture myself sitting in a living room listening to this man tell me his story, and while I there are many points that I would certainly be skeptical about, I have no trouble believing that someone might narrate just such a tale as this. Excellent work.SETTINGS: This section deals with the locations you've established for your action, the ways in which they affect that action, and your ability to describe them clearly and concisely. You could say that this aspect answers (or fails to answer) the first question of fiction, What's going on here? Setting can be used to challenge a character, to highlight a skill or quality, to set the mood of a scene without overtly saying a single thing about it, and a host of lesser impacts too numerous to mention. You might think of it as a print artist's equivalent of a movie's "mood music," always important yet never intrusive. All in all, a pretty big deal, then. So how did you do? The library especially, but also the house and the drive home, not to mention the trash can fire were all quite realistic, and described with just enough detail for the reader to flesh out the picture in his own mind without resorting to a laundry list of tedious details of furniture style, drapery colors, and so forth. This, in my opinion, is how settings should be presented: Like those Japanese paintings where the artist makes a few brush strokes, and the mind of the beholder infers the details hidden in the work.MECHANICS: Whether you're writing fact or fiction, prose or poetry, the "holy grail" that you're striving for is immersion. This is an area that no author, myself included, ever wants to talk about: I've done all this work, and you want to argue over a comma?" But those commas are important. What you're really doing as a writer is weaving a magic spell around your reader, and your reader wants you to succeed. He wants to escape his mundane world for a period, and lose himself in your creation. Errors in spelling and grammar, typos, "there" vs. "their" issues, use of words inconsistent with their actual meanings, all yank him out of his immersion while he backtracks to re-read and puzzle out what you meant to say. This is never good, and this is the section that deals with that. PARAGRAPHS! First and foremost, this was incredibly difficult to read, especially for older eyes like mine, due to the lack of paragraph separation. You can double-space paragraphs, or use the shortcut buttons above the composition window to add an {indent} at the head of every one, but these desperately need to be broken up. You obviously know what a paragraph is used for and what it should be, but you need to show the reader where each one begins. Complicating this is your tiny, crowded typeface. I don't recommend the Comic that I use for reviews be used for manuscripts, but Verdana is a nice one, or even Times for a traditional typewriter look. You can also open up the line-spacing by typing {linespace:1.4} at the beginning of your manuscript. You can enlarge the font by including {size:3.5} or even larger along with the Font and Linespace parameters. All of these things will combine to give you a sharp, professional look for very little effort.Other than that, I found very little wrong with grammar-type issues. There were several missing words throughout that I had little trouble parsing out, but you might want to pay special attention to this sentence: It was not the cuttlefish itself, which was cute and showed no signs of aggression; I could separate it from the feeling that it awakened in me. You seem to have left out a key word, not, as if he could separate it... then he doesn't really have much of a problem. I believe the encyclopedia passage describing Wakefield should be in quotations, as he is quoting words not his own, but that isn't too great a point. Generally, this piece would benefit greatly from a thorough proofreading to polish it to a high luster, and that it true of all stories to some degree. There's always room for more editing. SUMMARY: Great story. The biggest single item that brings the score down is the lack of paragraphs, followed closely by the tiny font. As far as story-related problems, they are few and minor. This is an excellent piece of work that you can make much better by simply inserting those ML-codes at the beginning of the story. Fine work overall, and I thank you for sharing.I hope that I have presented my opinions in a way that is constructive, and that you will find helpful to your endeavors going forward. It is never my intention to belittle anyone's efforts or discourage them from following the dream that I have found so fulfilling for the last six decades. In any case, if I can leave you with one thought to take with you, let it be this: Don't forget to have the fun! So many young and/or beginning writers get so caught up in the daily word count, the quest for publication, and the often conflicting advice of other writers that they forget to enjoy the journey. You may or may not become the next Big Celebrity Author, but you will always have the experience. Make sure it's a good one! Read well, and write better,  Jack Want to read more about my style and opinions? Become a regular at
 My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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You last responded to this review 10/24/2019 @ 3:01pm EDT