Hi! Welcome to WDC!

Andy was a big man, big-boned his mother insisted when kids would tease him and called him fat. - I think the first thing to consider when revising this piece is just a general tightening of your phrases. "when kids teased and called him fat" is much tighter and has more punch. Better yet, "when kids called him fat". Calling a child "fat" is definitely teasing... so using both isn't necessary. The simpler the phrasing, the more impact your words will have. For instance... "Tease" is gentle... "fat" is harsh... not just in meaning but in the actual sound of the words. The entire piece could benefit from this type of tightening.

Another quick revision that could help with readability and punch up the writing: go through and make your verbs stronger. There is a whole lot of "was/were" and "liked" and similar. The most successful parts of the writing are those that use verbs like "erupted". It pulls the reader into the action. The "was/were/liked/looked variety of verbs are more... telling than showing. They describe things without pulling a reader in.

There is missing punctuation in places and more punctuation than needed in others. If you're unsure about sentence structure, keeping it simple at first and then adding on from there can help. Things like this:

Each movement sending internal waves through the saturated corpse, baseball-sized lumps speeding under the pallid skin, back and forth throughout the extremities, colliding with each other and forming temporary mounds throughout the body like a perverse game of Wack-a-Mole. -- This isn't a sentence. There is no subject-predicate. Long as it is, it's a sentence fragment... which can make for a difficult reading experience.

He felt all around for something familiar but all he touched was wet; under his arms, back and legs, his hands fully submerged in a milky white fluid. - I'm not quite sure what to make of this structure. The meaning is actually a bit murky... I think it is a compound sentence that is missing a comma... and then has a semi-colon that isn't needed. In this case, a fragment following a clear compound sentence might be better. "He felt around for something familiar but touched only wetness" might also work. The construction here is pulling away from the sensory experience you're trying to create. The verbs also aren't very strong... Is he frantic or methodical? Is he splashing through milky fluid... or sliding his hands along the surface, hoping to bump into something. Splash/slide... stronger verbs.

On a side note, if he woke up and started groping for the familiar (grope... also a stronger verb), then how does he know it's milky white? He sees it or doesn't right?


Anyway, I think this has the makings of a cool story. It's got action and a character that a reader could cheer on. The writing itself makes for a more difficult read than necessary. So basically, this feels like a first draft with lots of potential. Good luck with any revisions you choose to do! You're off to a good start.




My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .