Hi! I found your item through Read & Review. It caught my eye because


Things I Liked:

It's pretty amusing... and harsh in its way.

"I’ve never been in New York City. But what everyone says is true. You’re rude" -- This one cracked me up. It's a bit... Douglas Adams... Lewis Carroll. The vibe is just right.

Comments/Suggestions:

Many of the other lines didn't quite catch the vibe though. It fell a bit flat for me overall.

It can be a little awkward to describe a situation in dialogue. Was this written as an exercise or maybe for one of the dialogue-only contests? Either way, you may want to go back in and add some non-dialogue to cut down on the awkwardness. The opening line is a perfect example of this... while there is some humor in it too, it is wordier than it could have been. If you introduced any part of it... had your MC approach a man standing in the middle of the road, and then had the dialogue that just said "Excuse me, but why are you naked?"... it would also be funny... and less awkward.

Even with some additional non-dialogue, some of the dialogue could use an edit. It's just a bit stilted, which hinders the message a bit and makes reading a little less enjoyable at times. There are also things that could be tightened up as far as your language usage goes. This is all dialogue, so you might as well make every word count:

"vigorously rubbing his arms against the cold. Attempting to generate warmth." - We can already picture this from the first part and know why he's doing it... the second part (a sentence fragment no less) is unnecessary. Just one example.

You mention the cold a whole lot here, and use the same phrasing each time. I think a few less would be fine... you want to keep in mind that this person is naked... but right now, it feels like more emphasis than needed.

Overall, I think this was worth a read, but it wasn't an easy or super enjoyable read in its current state. It could be with a little revision though... the promise is there. Good luck with it!

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Talent Pond New Year Review Dinner Party  (NPL) January 2020 Review Activity - Review and be Rewarded! #2208950 by Tornado Dodger

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .