Hi! I found your item through Read & Review. It caught my eye because the name is cute. I also like to review new people. It's a bit of a "welcome to WDC" type of thing... but mostly because lots of people join for feedback on their writing. Happy to oblige!


Things I Liked:

This is just a cute little piece. The ending is sweet. The tone is light and gentle. That all works.

Comments/Suggestions:

Honestly, the grammar and punctuation needs some attention. I assume that you probably know it's not 100% in those areas, huh? The first paragraph yields lots of examples:

"I won't hurt you. I said as he began to show me more of his life." -- This should read: "I won't hurt you," I said..." You may want to revisit the quotation/dialogue rules

"If we're gonna share our life I want us to share our life." First, you need a comma after "if we're gonna share our life". Second, this part of the story is taking place before the narrator is married... they don't share one life. They each have lives to share... so while I can see where you're coming from, it's a wee bit awkward.

There are some other moments of awkwardness as well, where your meaning gets murky. An example:

"Knowing him and how he shows his love for me is better than I ever imagined." -- This reads as "you" (the narrator) knowing two things: 1. him and 2. the manner in which he shows love. I'm pretty sure you mean these two things as separate. Knowing him is better than you imagined... and the way he loves you is better than you imagined. I'd recommend a rewrite for clarity, since the syntax doesn't quite work here.

These types of problems happen throughout. Missing commas, run-on sentences. These things don't harm the sentiment (which is lovely)... but they hurt readability. This could be a very nice little romance story with some work. I'm guessing that it's a one-time pass with no editing thus far, which is totally fine. A slightly more complicated issue is that the story is all telling with no showing, and though I'm not a believer in the "all show, no tell" philosophy, a little show helps. One lesson at a time though, right? Good luck with any revisions and future writing here. This is a great place to practice.

FORUM

Talent Pond New Year Review Dinner Party  (NPL) January 2020 Review Activity - Review and be Rewarded! #2208950 by Tornado Dodger

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .