Hi! I found your item through Read & Review. It caught my eye because you're new, and I like to give new people feedback on their writing. Also, the title isn't boring... it's something I look for in poetry.


Things I Liked:

I love a good highway motif. I've used driving/highway metaphors a few times myself and tend to like it. I think you should carry it even further, to be honest.

Most of the time, your flow is good. I appreciate the less-than-obvious rhymes and slant rhymes too (like us/dust).

Comments/Suggestions:

I'm guessing this is a first draft and hasn't been revised. Things like "This is my stat to" would indicate that (start?). I sometimes post my first drafts too... because why not? It is reflected in my rating though.

The second two lines of stanza 1 feel a bit cliche... like I've heard them a whole lot of times. I'd consider tweaking those.

In stanza two, what walls? You're on the highway, right? And what's the relationship between right (or maybe not right?) and the walls? It's a little awkward. I'd consider another road metaphor like... a flat tire. You could probably make it work with the rhyme scheme too.. a tire popped, so you break with rubber burn. Something like that. At any rate, I'd consider rewriting those lines for 1. consistency with the metaphor and 2. flow. Adding an extra line doesn't necessarily disturb flow, but it does in this case.

"create something new" -- this falls outside the metaphor too. Taking a new path/road isn't creating really. I guess if the walls fell, you could rebuild... but the walls were also outside the metaphor you're using. I'd a slightly different message here. This seems more like a final stanza statement-- you made it to your destination, and now it's time to create a new life.

Hmmm... so the start of this new creation and rebirth was... walls crashing down? Yeah, I'd change some bits in there.

I'd try to combine the last two stanzas into one concise message. Aside from the "heart becomes whole" bit, there is nothing new said in the fourth stanza. We get it... you're leaving something behind to start new.

Now... the only hint that this was a romance poem at all was the "heart" line in the stanza above. So the change to "for us" was totally jarring. I'd recommend making it clear that there is another person involved no later than stanza 2. Perhaps equate him/her to the "crash" that started it all? To use the suggestion from earlier... he/she popped the narrator's tire, causing the narrator to start anew.

The final stanza jams a whole lot of driving/highway references into a space not big enough for them. The flow is off... and it makes the rest of the poem feel even more lacking in those types of references. It hasn't fully gelled yet.

I think this could be a really interesting piece with some nips and tucks. I'd maybe set it aside for a month or two and give it another look. I do hope this review doesn't sting too bad... us poets can get pretty attached to our work. But hey... no first draft is a masterpiece, right?

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Talent Pond New Year Review Dinner Party  (NPL) January 2020 Review Activity - Review and be Rewarded! #2208950 by Tornado Dodger

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .