Hi! I found your item through Read & Review. It caught my eye because I've written many poetry critiques in my day.


Things I Liked:

It seems that you really appreciated this particular poem. This came through clearly.

Comments/Suggestions:

It appears that English is a second language, right? Well, keep in mind here that if I attempted to write anything in a language other than English, I'd be far far worse off than you. Most of the time, your meaning came across here. There were a few times when I didn't quite understand what you were trying to say. Like: "I convey my heaven choicest regards" -- is this two different statements, or...?

Some of it may be the context as well. For instance, she was trying hard to find happiness... so she is unwell? That did not really track for me.

Other bits of word usage made me stumble but could be figured out. "she was carried through emotion and understand fake love as a real one" -- This one I understand to some degree. The "carried through emotion" is pretty unclear, but I have a few guesses. The second part is clearer... but I don't know how it relates to the first part really.

The grammar needs some work, but if it's any consolation, lots of native English speakers are pretty terrible with grammar. There are missing commas, odd capitalization, and twisted syntax. It's to be expected to some degree. I won't go through all of them... I'll just give you one simple example:

"Even the smallest bliss should be accepted gleefully, giving this lesson is her prime objective. She does her social duty in this way."

It took me 3 or 4 reads to really understand this, but I think I've got it now:

"Her prime objective is to teach the lesson that even the smallest bliss is gleefully accepted. In this way, she performs her social duty." <---- Is this what you mean? If so, I think you're mostly just missing a period.

"Even the smallest bliss should be accepted gleefully. Giving this lesson is her prime objective. She does her social duty in this way." --- That is MUCH clearer. Because of the oddities of English grammar, it was unclear before.

To be honest, I think that using shorter, simple sentences might be helpful in general. Some of the difficulties happen when you write long sentences... there is just more room for error.

On a side note, you use "perform" pretty often here. Unless this was spoken word, we don't usually use perform/performance to describe poetry. Ummm... often, it looks like you could replace it with "her writing" or "her poem" or talk about the piece's effectiveness. At any rate, using the same word so many times can get dull.

Overall, I think you did much better than I could have if our roles were reversed. Writing.Com is also an excellent place to practice your English. I have a friend here who was very difficult to understand when she joined... we had to send 3-4 emails back and forth just to figure out one simple piece of communication. Now, she writes blogs and stories and even poetry in English, and no one would ever believe that she struggled. Stick with it! You'll just get better and better!

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Talent Pond New Year Review Dinner Party  (NPL) January 2020 Review Activity - Review and be Rewarded! #2208950 by Tornado Dodger

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .