Hi Ashii,
This is a fantastic piece. The tone is full of frustration. It grabs all the reader's attention and makes them want to read on. The reader is wondering if Barry will find relief from his high temperatures. They will read to the last word to find out. The plot is straight forward and moves along logically. The piece is about a man who suffers from persistent fevers. The conflict is well defined. There is no doubt about what is going on here. The characterization is fully developed and believable. The piece concentrates on Barry, and he comes across as a real person. There is no dialogue but it is not needed here. The description is detailed and vivid. It puts the reader all the way into the piece. The piece is well structured and consistent in terms of point of view and tense. You have accomplished a great deal in just a few words. Great job.