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What Caught My Eye

The description sounded interesting... a cosmic connection with an invisible force. Seems sort of mysterious. It was enough to make me curious.

Favorite Aspects

Your word choice isn't just... boring everyday language... it has some punch.

Hook
In my reviews, I like to focus a bit on the opening line(s) of a poem. Sometimes, people forget that a good hook is as important for a poem as it is for a story. It might be more important, in fact. Given the length of a poem, the intro (that hook) is a considerable percentage of the piece as a whole. It needs to be both functional and interesting to serve its purposes.

Ice fire... those are both nouns, which to me makes this ineffective. Are we supposed to imagine the icy-fiery feeling in our veins or... just imagine some sort of internal conflict or...? It hints at both but doesn't really do either.

I've also heard the whole "ice in veins" and "fire in veins" a zillion times, so as a hook, it isn't the strongest.

The lightning spark is more interesting. It makes the lightning sound pretty tame though... usually it flashes or cracks or... something more vibrant than "spark"... which is used much like "a lightning flash". I'd consider "A spark of lightning". In its current state, that would make the line too long, but I'd revise it all.

People say "illuminates a shadow" often enough that it bothers me... not so much as a cliche but as an imprecise image/action. If you illuminate a shadow, the shadow is gone. The illumination either creates a shadow or destroys the shadow. So if you mean destroys the shadow (which is the only accurate meaning... the shadow disappears), there are so many cooler ways to say that! I'd roll with "creates a shadow". I get what you mean... it's an invisible force, so the lightning makes a shadow and makes it a known entity. However, the description isn't part of the poem itself, and you haven't set up the "entity" yet.

In the depths of what?

Do you see the entity clearly... as in, it's corporeal now? Or is it just the shadow?

Language / Word Choice

This is my summary of the last line of stanza 1 through the end of stanza 3:

"I see you, now I don't, but I know you, and even though I can't see you, you cannot hide... and I see you through the hiding (even though you thought I couldn't), but I did see you and wanted me to."

Man... it's sort of exhausting. We get it. The entity is hidden or trying to hide... but you see it. Saying it once is usually most effective. Also, what happened to the strong word choice and imagery from the first stanza? The 2nd and 3rd paragraphs are mostly dull, everyday language.

The 4th stanza is by far the best part of the poem... which is a shame since it's not the beginning or end... it's not in a "wow" position. The structure of it is very dull "You this. You that." But the image of being tied to a star is a good one... in a metaphorical star sort of way. This is the first "cosmic" thing as well.

The "bind me to the earth" is the opposite of the line prior... which can work to indicate that this entity is pulling you in impossible directions... but it just sounds poorly thought out because of the mirrored structure. "You tie me to the stars / while binding me to earth" would be much MUCH better. It alters the structure in a more effective way... and it makes it clear that this was an intentional statement.

Why isn't your body married to your mind already? I don't know if that sentence says what you meant it to say. If so, it seems false.

The create/destroy sounds false too. There has been no hint at a rebirth or anything here... unless that was the intention of 'surge from the depths'. So... the entity didn't create you... unless you were an empty body and unattached mind that it put together, in which case... how did you do all of that "seeing" and "knowing" before?

The last stanza seems totally unnecessary. The structure isn't memorable or interesting... and it seems to be going in the wrong direction. The entity has made itself known by doing all of this... tying and binding and creating and destroying. So now it's hiding again? I'd cut stanza 5 completely.

Originality

Though the writing could be more effective and clear, the concept behind this one intrigued me. The end result is too non-specific to satisfy my expectations, but it COULD be really cool. I think you had something with the intro stanza and lost it along the way. A little rewriting could bring it to life.

Emotiveness

Emotiveness really comes from word choice, and the manipulation of the reader is based of the strength and placement of words. This isn't quite there yet. It's not a sensory experience either, which could help for a supernatural romance type of piece.

One Thing to Work On?
What one thing will make the biggest difference for this piece?

Definitely pruning. You could make a much stronger draft by just cutting the repetitions in stanza 1,2,3... and axing the last stanza. You'd be left with something like this:

Stanza 1: Sparks fly, lightning sparks, and I see you... just as you hoped I would.

Stanza 2: You tied me to the stars and created me and destroyed me.


Done. Just simplifying the heck out of it and then choosing your words for impact... instantly a stronger piece. You have some good stuff on the page already. Just clear out the fluff to let those bits shine. A poem doesn't have to be incredibly long... it doesn't need 4-5 stanzas if one or two will do the job.

Effect

Well, overall... it could be stronger. It wasn't super effective, but I feel like this is a first or very early draft. The idea is the star... and the real shine will come from revision and future drafts. If it's okay with you, I think I'll keep an eye on your work. I love poetry... and you accomplished something here. You piqued my interest AND made me want to revise it myself. That is more effective in its way than lots of poems. You also inspired a very long (sorry ) review. I only do that if I see promise.

Good luck! I'd be happy to take another look and re-rate if you decide to work on it some more.

FORUM

Talent Pond New Year Review Dinner Party  (NPL) January 2020 Review Activity - Review and be Rewarded! #2208950 by Tornado Dodger

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .