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What Caught My Eye

The title is cute! It does sound like a family or children's story title, so it's pretty fitting too.

Favorite Aspects

The tone and narration-style voice works pretty well here. I could do with a little more voice, but it's still what stood out the most.

Additionally, it's clear that you can construct a sentence. That should be a given but really really isn't always the case here.

Beginning & End
I think that the beginning and ending are super important for a story because they determine whether someone will keep reading and whether they will be satisfied with what they read. I like to focus a bit of my reviews on these two areas.

If I was just reading for pleasure instead of to review, I would have kept looking for something to read after the first line. "one fall Saturday afternoon"... that's a whole lot... it feels overloaded and doesn't bode well for the rest. Try to be sparing with the descriptors given to any one word if you revise.

Character(s)

I feel like I never really cared about any of the people or what happened. It's sort of a slice-of-life type story, so I guess it doesn't matter much for the plot. But the characters and/or setting are what sell it otherwise. I didn't get quite enough setting... and the dad is the only one whose character really came through for me.

Language

There is a WHOLE lot of "was" in here. Like, the majority of sentences use "was"... some action verbs in here would help with momentum. There are some other nitpicky things, but that would help greatly. Most of the time, this feels like "telling"... and not the type of telling where you see it and feel it... just telling telling. That part of the narration isn't the best part.

Dialogue

I'm sure some people would recommend dialogue here. I don't think it's necessary if you vary the "telling" language some more. If you don't want to vary up that aspect, then dialogue would give some reprieve from the telling, if you know what I mean. It would break up the lack of action.

Originality

I haven't read a story just like this... so I think you're just fine with the orginality.

Effect

Overall, I could have been much more engaged. The writing could be cleaned up as far as word choice and phrasing goes... and changing up all the "was" would help greatly for both I think. It's not bad by any means... but it's not quite good yet either. What raised it higher than average is that the grammar didn't drive me bonkers... which made the writing easy to understand (which is better than average on WDC I think).

If you revise, I'd be happy to take another look. Good luck with it!

FORUM

Talent Pond New Year Review Dinner Party  (NPL) January 2020 Review Activity - Review and be Rewarded! #2208950 by Tornado Dodger

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .