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What Caught My Eye

I found this piece in Read & Review (random items to review), and it caught my eye because I immediately had some things to say about it.

Favorite Aspects

I like that some of your rhymes aren't the typical be/see/me/we or I/sky/try/fly variety. sips/fingertips... needs/exceeds... there are some good ones in here. There are still some of those obvious and/or tired rhymes here (love/above being the best example)... but you have more unique than cliche. Good enough for me!

Hook
In my reviews, I like to focus a bit on the opening line(s) of a poem. Sometimes, people forget that a good hook is as important for a poem as it is for a story. It might be more important, in fact. Given the length of a poem, the intro (that hook) is a considerable percentage of the piece as a whole. It needs to be both functional and interesting to serve its purposes.

First, I wanted to point out that the first line made me thing of your children. "Children are our future"? That's not at all what you're going for, but there has been no romantic setup at that point. I also thought the "not alarming" was super odd until I read on and found the rhyme scheme. It reads as though it's just meant to rhyme rather than being there to add meaning.

Language / Word Choice

You have some nice word choice in here... because you were fitting it into this structure, there is some filler words in here ("and it most often always" is one example that struck me as total filler). If there is any line tightening you could do, it would help make for an easier read.

There are some lines that don't make sense to me... "your mind is intact" almost sounds insulting. It rhymes, but like... why wouldn't the person's mind be intact? What would make anyone thing it wasn't? There are other options for rhymes that could be very flattering... the most obvious in context it "tact", since you're talking about communication skills. "You communicate our troubles with grace and tact" or something... now that is definitely a compliment. Be on the lookout for these types of substitutions if you revise.

Flow / Rhythm

The flow is one of the stronger aspects of the poem. It's never off by more than a beat, and with lines this long, that's pretty good.

Imagery

There isn't much imagery... I would love some more. But it's a love poem to another person... it's not a metaphor for love. Know what I mean? It isn't necessary.

Consistency

The voice seems very consistent to me. Nicely done on that.

Technical

There are some technical issues in here... missing or misplaced commas (e.g. the first line: In your eyes[,] I see hope that

There are also the typos... "whats" in the second stanza should be "what's"... what is. "your at ease" in the last stanza = "you're at ease". Be on the lookout for these missing apostrophes and whatnot too.

One Thing to Work On?
What one thing will make the biggest difference for this piece?

A basic revision will help... and then a more in-depth revision to simplify phrasing and make sure all the rhymes and statements go together and work as well as they can.

Effect

Overall, this strikes me as a first draft, and since it was written just a few days ago, I'm like 99% sure that's true. Nothing wrong with that at all! My rating reflects that this is an early draft though. It's not a reflection of you... just the current words on the page. Good luck with it!

FORUM

Talent Pond New Year Review Dinner Party  (NPL) January 2020 Review Activity - Review and be Rewarded! #2208950 by Tornado Dodger

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .