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What Caught My Eye

I'm just looking for some new people to review... and the title here caught my eye.

Favorite Aspects

I like the dreamy quality to the writing... very fitting. I also like some the the imagery you have going on here. The voice is quite strong too (which is great, because that's a hard thing to edit into a piece).

Hook
In my reviews, I like to focus a bit on the opening line(s). To be really effective, it needs to be both functional and interesting.

As far as opening sentences go... I'm sort of indifferent to this one. It sounds general... and also like the first line for a whole lot of thriller/abduction type stories. So the rest feels incredibly tame.

Also, you seem to be missing a word in the third sentence: "The walls are quite cream enough and the carpet not quite soft enough" They are quite cream enough? Or they aren't quite? It sounds either really weird or like you're missing a "not".

Language / Word Choice

By the time we get to the windows, I'm starting to wonder if there is a better way to say the whole 'not quite right' feeling so that it feels less repetitive.

You also have some room for tightening your writing. "There is a man on that street. / He walks past the window. / He looks like a bald Terminator." I'd consider joining the first two sentences... "There is a man on that street, walking part the window." But at any rate... you can see how much this is tightened up compared to the original. Says the same thing... just less work to read it.

Imagery

This has a fair bit of imagery in it without being overbearing. Nicely done there.

Tone

It feels very dreamy. Not nightmare-like at all in my view... but dreamy.

Originality

Well, it's YOUR dream, right? If you were dreaming cliches, I imagine you wouldn't have even thought to write them down.

Technical

You may want to go over this for grammar. There are some issues here and there. For instance:

Somewhere in the back of my mind[,] I know...
I was expecting it[.] I'm not surprised, and yet...

That last sentence there ... I dare you to diagram that sentence. The sentence structure is... fairly indefinable. I'd rewrite it for clarity.

One Thing to Work On?
What one thing will make the biggest difference for this piece?

A general revision for clarity, grammar, and to tighten wording. It would make a big difference.

Effect

Overall, it was entertaining/interesting enough... but it was harder to read than it could be with a little work. It reads like a first draft... nothing wrong with that, but it always means there's room for improvement. Good luck with any revisions.

And good luck in the contest too - what contest? They sometimes allow revisions until the deadline.

FORUM

Talent Pond New Year Review Dinner Party  (NPL) January 2020 Review Activity - Review and be Rewarded! #2208950 by Tornado Dodger

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .