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Review #4527500
Viewing a review of:
 HOW PINEAPPLE LUMPS ARE MADE Open in new Window. [13+]
This story is an exaggeration of witness accounts.
by Dagtar Author Icon
Review by Angus Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Access:  Public | Hide Review (?)
*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" Open in new Window.! *BalloonR*

Hello there, Dagtar.
This isn't bad for one of your first pieces on here. It's certainly different, anyway.
I like the idea of The Woman in the Machine being a controlled object who's sadly stuck in a continuous loop, even it IS her favorite memory, but who would want to relive that over and over and over? To me, that would be just as terrible as having to relive my WORST memory over and over.
One thing about this was it was little hard to follow. And you did a lot more telling than showing, too. Please don't think I'm criticizing this! I like the concept, but it was just the way it was told that needs a little help. And just like everyone else on this site, we're all here to help each other become better writers!
I did like how you brought the story full circle (I think) by having Lithia and a new(?) Woman in the Machine start the loop all over again at the end of the story! There's some serious irony in that, as well as some nice thinking outside of the box!
Overall, good job.
Here's that link to Telling vs. Showing if you're interested: ""Telling" Vs. "Showing" - Part 1" Open in new Window.
Kee ponw ritin gon, Dagtar! Thanks for entering the contest, and welcome to WdC! If you like to write, then you're going to love it here!
PS-You might want to get your bioblock (biography) set up so we can know a little something more about you (hobbies, favorite books/authors, location, etc.), but that's up to you, of course.
PSS-And since you’re new here, perhaps you’d like to check out "Noticing Newbies" Open in new Window. and introduce yourself to the rest of the community if you haven’t already.

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