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What Caught My Eye

Sometimes, I like to start in the middle of a story and just... see where the action is... what's happening.

Favorite Aspects

Honestly, it's a pretty quick read in its way. The short choppy sentences breezed right by, so 4 chapters felt like 1.

Beginning
I think that the beginning and ending are super important because they determine whether someone will keep reading and whether they will be satisfied with what they read. I like to focus a bit of my reviews on these two areas, but since this isn't a "final chapter", I'll just focus on the beginning of Chapter 6 for this area.

First, the grammar. Honestly, if I was looking for something to read, I wouldn't make it past your first sentence because of the grammar.

"I awoke a bit early with bug bites, this time however I don’t mind it."
I awoke a bit early with bug bites[.] This time[,] however[,] I [didn't] mind [them]."

That is a whole lot of revision for just one sentence. The first period is because the original is a run-on sentence. The commas cordon off a word that's used as a sort of aside. The [didn't] is for tense... this is in past tense, and "do not" is present while "did not" is past. And the last change is because 'bug bites' is plural, and 'it' is singular... since "it" referred to a plural, it should be plural too to prevent confusion. This one isn't AS necessary as the others.

This entire piece needs a grammar edit, as one might suppose. No big deal... grammar can be learned. It's not the creative fun part, but it's important for the reader.

As for what it says, I think it's pretty hook-like. With the grammar fixes, I'd want to keep reading. It starts with action.


Plot

I don't think I should really judge the plot, since this is just a middle piece. Seems like it could be interesting though.

Character(s)

I like Arrea's voice... it's strong. The narrator voice is strong as well. That is probably the best done part of this entire piece.

Language

Man... I am not one for drippy over-the-top descriptions, but this is SPARSE. Maybe in future drafts, you can work in a bit more action/setting with the dialogue. So, instead of the endless "..." "..." to illustrate the pauses in dialogue... describe something?

Consistency

This is super consistent. In some ways, that's good... in others, less good. For instance, your dialogue tags aren't necessary or proper grammatically.

"Wait, Arrea! It's me, Hashi!" -- no dialogue tags needed for this at all.

Other times, they are needed but not integrated into the story. Arrea-/Hashi-... that's more like a play than a book chapter.

Setting

I got almost zero setting here. There might be more in previous chapters, but it seems like it disappeared completely. Maybe Hashi shoos a mosquito away during one of those long pauses in dialogue... yanno, to reinforce that they're not floating in space.

Dialogue

The dialogue between the two is really good. Again, I thought it was solid... with proper tags and grammar, it would be that much better.

Structure

I can't help but notice that there are no paragraphs in here. For the most part, it's unrelated sentences that may or may not be pushed together. A paragraph is generally 3+ sentences with one sentence that summarizes what it's about (topic sentence) and two or more supporting sentences. This helps the reader follow the story and know what to expect.

Effect

This is interesting enough to read, but it could use some love and attention. It's a decent enough first/fast draft, but I don't think it will attract many readers without a bit of revision. The grammar is easy enough to learn... you can even pay someone else to edit things. But the description and structure is something you might really enjoy... it's part of the fun and creative part. Help us picture it in our heads. We have a bunch of fun characters, and we want to know them better through action as well as dialogue.

Anyway, my rating isn't based on the content but the fact that this is a really rough draft. Nothing is perfect the first time around.





My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .