Well, hello again! You came up in Read & Review twice in a row. I'm not shocked to see a poem. You used a whole lot of figurative language in the last one, after all.

What Caught My Eye

First, that it was another one from you. Second, that it's a poem. I adore free verse.

Favorite Aspects



Hook
In my reviews, I like to focus a bit on the opening line(s) of a poem. Sometimes, people forget that a good hook is as important for a poem as it is for a story. It might be more important, in fact. Given the length of a poem, the intro (that hook) is a considerable percentage of the piece as a whole. It needs to be both functional and interesting to serve its purposes.

The "H" in hard doesn't need to be capitalized. The line breaks feel a wee bit clunky, as does the compound sentence structure with the semi-colon. I'd consider something like this:

In the early hours,
hard edges feel
soft at the center; you
sink into them
and feel protected.

It makes the semi-colon feel like a better choice than a period, it makes the last line flow without the period (which is grammatically wrong to have). I toyed with three or four other possibilities, including hard / edges and at the / center to highlight the important words and illustrate them through word placement.

How do hard edges feel soft... at the center? Something can be hard at the edge and soft in the center... but edges cannot, by definition, be in the center. So... meaning-wise, this sounds good but means nothing. Also, right now, you're sinking into the hard edges rather than the early hours-- structure matter for meaning.


Language / Word Choice

The air dulls... that's what the second stanza says. "Cool at first, the crispness / dulls as it sinks" -- that is what you actually mean. Either the crispness fulls OR the coolness dulls. You need another noun in here. Again, it's the grammar that's tripping up your meanings. Be on the lookout for that throughout. I'm not going to line edit here.

Also, this feels repetitive with the references to weight and "Air" and "crisp air"-- that cools and then gets crisp again (and then is reiterated as crisp AGAIN in the last stanza). And... basically, some more precision in your word usage would help.

Flow / Rhythm

The flow is... okay most of the time. It has some obvious hiccups... a few really strong moments... but most of it doesn't flow super well. It never settles in for me. Part of that is the super obvious line breaks. Using sentence structure to break lines can be useful for writing it in the first place, but a second draft can be more deliberate about line breaks for flow AND additional meaning.

Imagery

There is no imagery here. You focus more on other senses, which is fine. Having a solid image of "sinking" could help, since you use that type of idea a fair bit. Whatever though... it is sensory, just not visual at all.

Originality

I've read many pieces that feel... about the same as this. The mist of morning, the crisp air, the sleepy/groggy pulling/fading/singing. It didn't strike me as super original I guess... but there are some interesting choices. The subtleness of the love theme... I don't think it quite gels, but it's not heavy. The wispy nature of it works given the subject matter here.

Emotiveness

I felt nothing, to be honest. I mean, the fuzzy edge type vibe I got a tiny bit, but otherwise... nothing. I'm guessing this is a first or early draft... it's not rewritten for the audience yet. No big deal. Early drafts are usually that way for poetry.

Effect

Good luck if you choose to revise. It's a decent start, I think... a bit better than average, but not quite "good" yet.






My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .