Hey again! You popped up in Read & Review again... and I've already read this and dug it. So... why not?

What Caught My Eye

What caught my eye really is the fact that I just read this a few hours ago. This one is also very much a song.

Favorite Aspects

"I can tell by the look [...] the will of your tide" - For my money, that's your chorus. It's way tighter in flow AND it's actually what the whole thing seems to be about. The chorus should be the catchiest part... the most memorable part. And that is this part of the verse. The chorus currently feels like it should be the intro to it:

so kill me just be-cause
you hate me, and you always will
I'm always at the will
of your tide...

I can tell by the look in your eyes
you want to push me...

See what I'm saying? It would perfectly follow the bridge too...

only a coward
would leave the way that you did...
and I'm so over
your tide

I can tell by the look in your eyes...

To me, that just seems so perfect, bro. I'd totally restructure this to highlight the most powerful part. Tell the story outside the chorus... repeat the part that grabs people's attention and sounds most unique.

Hook
In my reviews, I like to focus a bit on the opening line(s) of a poem. Sometimes, people forget that a good hook is as important for a poem as it is for a story. It might be more important, in fact. Given the length of a poem, the intro (that hook) is a considerable percentage of the piece as a whole. It needs to be both functional and interesting to serve its purposes.

You had me with the line break from line one to two... totally works. The sound of my heartbeat bit seems a bit cliche.

The flow in "It will stop [...] forgot without you, I" is super tight... love it. I love unexpected line breaks, particularly when the flow is that good.

Language / Word Choice

The language is loosest and least interesting in the chorus. You're just sorta... saying some lovey things that don't move me much there. It's sorta... ho-hum language-wise.

I also adore the "I'm so over / your tide" bit. Over the tide line... no longer smashed on the beach. It works... you started out in the water (waves beneath us)... described the crash that happened before you were pulled out there... and now you're over the tide. Totally works as an extended metaphor. You could strengthen it to make it clearer, but it's good.

Flow / Rhythm

My flow has been so off for so long that I sorta hate you right now. It's super on point until the chorus, which I mean.. I can hear the shift in the first 4 lines but it's just not as solid after that. I don't quite hear it.

One Thing to Work On?
What one thing will make the biggest difference for this piece?

Man... Tighten/rewrite/improve word choice for the current chorus and make it a verse. And highlight the best part. Definitely.

Effect

I'm done, bro. The parts I love, I really love. The parts I don't are killing me. All together though... I can't give it less than 4 stars.





My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .