Welcome to WDC! I hope you enjoy your time here!


What Caught My Eye

I review lots of newbies. I tend to cruise right past chapters though. I don't review novels on here if I can help it. What actually grabbed me was the phrasing of that first line (a sentence fragment at that).

Favorite Aspects

Honestly, you're just a good writer. I've been reviewing all day, and you've got the chops. It was an easy read. The tone is on point. You know how to use fragments to get across tone rather than just... confuse the reader for flair.

Beginning & End
I think that the beginning and ending are super important for a story because they determine whether someone will keep reading and whether they will be satisfied with what they read. I like to focus a bit of my reviews on these two areas.

The hook 100% worked on me. I love that entire intro. The setting in the next bit doesn't linger too long (thank you).

The ending was super predictable in my view. I saw it coming miles away (pun intended). But it's... okay. Will I read the next chapter? Probably not. But I might poke through your portfolio for misc stories because you write well, even if I didn't really end up caring enough about the narrator to keep reading this.

Plot

This isn't a plot really because it's... just an intro chapter. The action though... it hooked me pretty well.

Language

Clever. You describe things but not overly so. It's a good mix of action and description that shows a reader much more than is on the page. It's nicely done.

Style / Tone

The tone is consistent and strong. The narrative is good. The style itself isn't one that I typically read for novels but you're nailing it.

Effect

I lost interest for a bit in the middle, but I kept reading because it was JUST interesting enough to keep me going. It's not like... super stellar. But it's a solid "good". Definitely does the job of grabbing a reader... may or may not do the job of setting up a story that a reader will want to keep on with. Maybe further reviews will help you determine if it works on that level. Good luck with any revisions and/or finishing your book.






My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .