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What Caught My Eye

This came up in Read & Review, and I tend to give any newbie items a peek. The mention of abuse caught my attention. I've written a whole lot on the subject myself. This is not GC, by the way. 18+ is definitely high enough for the content so far.

Favorite Aspects

I like that BAM-serial-killer-outta-nowhere at the end. It made me smile.

Beginning & End
The foreword (and it IS forwOrd not forwArd) helps determine whether someone will keep reading the book.

This wouldn't entice me to read further, and I have bookcases full of books about abuse/mental illness/killers. Maybe the back blurb PLUS the foreword would entice me but... I don't think it would.

Starting out with vague blanket statements about people who have been abused seems like a odd choice to me. First, because it's a more boring place to start than with the actual personalities. Second, because this has an intimate type of tone, but the broad statement doesn't mesh well with that tone. It feels... disconnected from the rest.

It also doesn't make much sense as written. The "definition" accompanies victims? Or the title/phrase/name accompany them. Since you follow up with "breaking off" (which is not a stereotypical term from my research), it's unclear if that's what accompanies victims. This is a structural issue with the sentences. It also feels untrue to me. This doesn't accompany abuse victims... it accompanies a particular mental illness. Sometimes they are related, but not always.

"which accompanies the victims of physical, emotional, and sexual abuse" -- This is written as a statement of fact... for everyone who has been abused. See where the untruth is in that? It's just... imprecise. It's not offensive to me, but I imagine it could be for somebody. If you change one thing, I'd change that. Add a qualifier (e.g. "accompanies some victims") or just... rewrite these two sentences. They could use a little more clarity anyway.

Language

The grammar makes this a bit hard to read and understand sometimes. I keep having to reread. There are also some oddities in the language used that trip me up:

"Then, strangely, the personality disappeared until my sons were born and self sufficient before appearing into my life once more."

The phrase "until my sons were born and self-sufficient" tripped me up over and over. It's just so abrupt, and each occurs many years apart. Did it happen after they were born... or only after they could take care of themselves? Simplest fix is to cut "were born" and just... "until my sons were self-sufficient".

Second, you have then/until/before in here, which is a confusing timeline. Easy fix: new sentences OR rewrite and streamline.

"Strangely, the personality disappeared when I was a young adult and reappeared only after my sons were self-sufficient."

See how clear the timeline is? And the personality disappears/reappears. Symmetry like that is easier to read and understand.

I would go through this entire piece and make sure all the words are 1. best for what you meant to say and 2. are necessary to convey the message.

For that last bit.. here's an example: "withdraw into a cocoon of seclusion". If you are in a cocoon, you are, by definition, secluded. It's unneeded.

Some general tightening of the writing could help with this too. Example:

"Being the victim of physical and verbal abuse for most of my life caused me to withdraw into a cocoon of seclusion;" (not a great use of a semi-colon, by the way... a period would be better).

"I withdrew into a cocoon because of the lifelong abuse."
"The long-term abuse caused me to withdraw into a cocoon."

There are many many many ways to rewrite this statement in a streamlined way without losing much or any meaning. Doing this throughout might help with some of the clarity issues.


Grammar / Syntax

The piece could use a bit of attention in this area. You're missing some commas and whatnot. I think though that just revising for clarity and simplifying your structures could help a whole lot more.

Effect

This feels like a first draft to me. Is it? If so, it definitely gives you something to work with. The end is much much more interesting than the intro. I've read so much on the topics of mental illness, abuse, and serial killers that it rings totally false for me. Not realistic or believable at all. BUT... I just might not be the intended audience. I'm cool with that. It's the unpolished feel and difficulty in reading that went into the rating. Good luck with the book!





My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .