Welcome to WDC, Bold Attitude ! I hope you enjoy your time here!


What Caught My Eye

I like reviewing people new to WDC. You popped up in Read & Review. I also 1. love to read and write poetry and 2. like your username.

Favorite Aspects

I like the general idea here. Moving on/forward is a common theme in poetry for a good reason... everyone can relate to it.

Hook
In my reviews, I like to focus a bit on the opening line(s) of a poem. Sometimes, people forget that a good hook is as important for a poem as it is for a story. It might be more important, in fact. Given the length of a poem, the intro (that hook) is a considerable percentage of the piece as a whole. It needs to be both functional and interesting to serve its purposes.

The first few lines didn't hook me and probably would have made me stop reading in this case. First, "I took" is past tense, while "I realize" is present tense. That doesn't bode well for me. It also is written in pretty basic, everyday language, which isn't bad if it's followed by an image or metaphor or something to really sink into and catch a reader's interest.

Language / Word Choice

The phrasing here is a bit... redundant. Some word counts:

steps - 5
took - 4
future - 3
time - 2
walking - 2

It all seems sort of obvious given the topic. And using a word like "future"... that's an impact word, and using it more than once definitely lessens its impact. There are very few words in here that aren't dull, every day language.

The imagery is mostly pretty light, one-noun type... like "bee" or "grasses". There's none to really grab onto. It's more geared toward descriptions of action: I walk, one step at a time, one foot in front of the other... etc. That type of thing isn't really necessary... we know what taking steps is. I would choose one image and really make the entire poem about that ONE image in the context of moving forward into the future. Say... a bee on a flower... knowing precisely what its next step is-- gather nectar, return to hive, repeat... and note the differences between you and the bee.

Basically, I'm looking for something unique or special or memorable here. I didn't find it in this first draft (but that is what the next draft is for).

Flow / Rhythm

The flow is okay sometimes and pretty off at others. Most of that is the filler words in here. Example:

"I said all I need to do is plan and be busy as a bee
Still walking gently with each steps moving one after another"

vs

I need to plan and be a busy bee
walking gently

The rest is filler (everyone walks in steps-- which require one after another or they wouldn't be "steps"). On a side note... busy bee doesn't really lead into gentle steps... bees buzz around... energetic. It's different than quiet, slow, gentle steps, yeah?

Anyway, just one example of some bulky phrasing that doesn't add much meaning. Cutting out all the filler would leave you with a much stronger piece... and less redundant phrasing as well.

One Thing to Work On?
What one thing will make the biggest difference for this piece?

Cut/rewrite the bulky phrasing and repetition. Honestly, that would be most helpful. BUT I like the idea of using nature to illustrate what you're saying rather than just say it outright (poetry vs prose).

Effect

Good luck if you choose to revise. This reads as a first draft, which is the reason for my rating. There is promise here though. If you revise, I'd be happy to give it another look. Cheers!





My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .