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 Review #4534311 |
 | Satin And Lace Assassins  [18+] When the major corporations refuse to give a liveable wage the people's union hire help.  |
| (4.0)  Welcome to WdC from the "Newbie Welcome Wagon" Good morning, Vicky Vale , and welcome to WdC. For the record, my real name is Jack Tyler, and I am a former steampunk author who has transitioned to horror, but I try to review a wide variety of styles and genres. While I have a few books in print, I am neither a famous author nor a renowned critic. I'm just a guy with an opinion that I'm here to share, and if you disagree with anything I say here, remember that the only opinion that matters is yours. I should explain that I use this review template in which I discuss my views on the important areas of quality storytelling, then compare your work to my own beliefs on the matter. As I said, I'm no authority, but hopefully my comments will give you some ideas to take your writing in directions you hadn't previously considered. Before I pitch in, let me correct an oversight. I sent you an e-mail yesterday with the subject line of Suggested Reading. I then talked about this review and forget to suggest the reading. Based on your bio and preferences, I think you might like (if you haven't already seen it) the Gor series by John Norman. It is a non-magical swordfest told in first-person about a world where women are property marked as slaves and owned by men, though there are some female rulers and one city where they are in charge and the men are the slaves. There's a lot of subtle writing about slave women who control their "owners" through their sensuality... It should be a great read for someone who's into it. There are almost 30 books in the series, but it got too intense for me after about six. Still, very much worth a read for anyone who likes this sort of material. All right, now for a review. Let me just drop a warning here, and we'll get started. THIRD-PARTY READERS TAKE NOTE: SPOILERS AHEAD PRESENTATION: This aspect deals with the first impression your story makes when a reader clicks on the title. Call it the cosmetics. I'll be looking at abstract items from text density to scene dividers in a effort to ferret out any unfortunate habits that might cause a reader to move on without actually reading anything; before you can dazzle him with your show, you have to get him into the tent!  This is well-formatted, the paragraphs are perfectly placed, and there is nothing here to deduct any points for. I will, however, point out what I do to most authors: While I make no deduction for using WdC's default format, it is dull and bland, and in a long work with long paragraphs can create an intimidating wall of dense text that can put off many readers, especially those whose eyesight is less than optimal. Here's something to try. Insert this character string at the beginning of your story: {font:verdana}{size:3.5}{linespace:1.4}. It will make your text look like this review. Give it a try and see if you like it.STORY: This is really the basic element, isn't it? If you can't tell an engaging story, it doesn't matter what else you can do, because nobody's going to read it anyway. You should note that if you're reading this review, it means you've garnered decent to high marks in this category, or I would have moved on to something more engaging. I will try to explain aspects from characters to grammar, but I don't know how to teach someone to have an imagination, so congratulations; you've done something well already. Now let's examine the individual parts of the whole and see what makes it successful. We'll begin with the story itself, the theme, the flow, the impact, to see what made me stay instead of clicking on to the next one. I chose this story to review by title, as it seemed more like a revenge tale than many of the more sexual offerings. It requires some suspension of disbelief, as it smacks of an old Avengers plot; the Steed and Mrs. Peel Avengers. There is nothing wrong with that. Those kind of stories remain popular to this day, and the fact that the women used their sexuality to set up the men for their denouement is fitting, given the nature of their transgressions. I think this story could have been longer, looking at how the men acted in their office environments before the assassins were called in. Alternately, one of them could have been the focal point, with the debrief at the end revealing that this was a city-wide operation against a whole group of these slugs. As it is, I don't think there is enough focus for the reader to identify a main character, or their specific motivations. I guess that's a preference on my part for a certain style, but I think a sharper focus would improve this story greatly.CHARACTERS: This section discusses all aspects of the characters, the way they look, act, and talk, as well as the development and presentation of backstory. Allow me to present "Tyler's Axiom:" Characters are fiction. Rich, multifaceted characters with compelling backstories will seize the reader in a grip that will not be denied, and drag him into their narrative, because he can't abide the thought of not knowing what will happen to them. Conversely, lazy, shallow stereotypes will ruin any story regardless of its other qualities, because the reader will be unable to answer the second question of fiction: Why do I care?  The reason for this rating is that, while I recognize the three assassins as the major protagonists, I don't feel I got to know any of them well. They were quickly drawn, indistinguishable, did their very similar jobs, and it was over. Concentrating on one, and perhaps giving her some vulnerability would have breathed much more life into the story. Vulnerability is necessary in a well-rounded protagonist; even Superman had to deal with Kryptonite.SETTINGS: This section deals with the locations you've established for your action, the ways in which they affect that action, and your ability to describe them clearly and concisely. You could say that this aspect answers (or fails to answer) the first question of fiction, What's going on here? Setting can be used to challenge a character, to highlight a skill or quality, to set the mood of a scene without overtly saying a single thing about it, and a host of lesser impacts too numerous to mention. You might think of it as a print artist's equivalent of a movie's "mood music," always important yet never intrusive. All in all, a pretty big deal, then. So how did you do? I have no issues here. All of these scenes by necessity had to take place in the men's bedrooms, and the scenes are all set well enough for us to visualize them without stopping to bog the story down in detailed descriptions of the "masculine print on the bedspread," etc. Likewise for the briefing room in the final scene. We can see this clearly with only a few background "brush strokes," as it were. Good job here, all of them.MECHANICS: Whether you're writing fact or fiction, prose or poetry, the "holy grail" that you're striving for is immersion. This is an area that no author, myself included, ever wants to talk about: I've done all this work, and you want to argue over a comma?" But those commas are important. What you're really doing as a writer is weaving a magic spell around your reader, and your reader wants you to succeed. He wants to escape his mundane world for a period, and lose himself in your creation. Errors in spelling and grammar, typos, "there" vs. "their" issues, use of words inconsistent with their actual meanings, all yank him out of his immersion while he backtracks to re-read and puzzle out what you meant to say. This is never good, and this is the section that deals with that. There are little hiccups here, but nothing glaring. Examples follow:...rich and powerful CEO's of major corporations... CEO's with an apostrophe is possessive, meaning something that belongs to the CEO, as "the CEO's eyes" later in the story. CEOs, no apostrophe, is the plural. ...living like kings which their employees struggled and staved. I suspect that the "which" should actually be "while." Also, starved needs an R. These are minor issues, and can easily be fixed by thorough proofreading. And while Spellcheck is certainly a useful tool and should be turned on at all times, don't rely on it to catch everything. It can't help you with There and Their issues, won't catch Brain when you meant Brian, and can't tell the difference between a Beast and a Breast. The most powerful editing tool is the Mark I Eyeball; use it liberally! SUMMARY: This is a fun little story that, in my opinion, needs some polish to bring it to a high luster. It's an excellent first draft that I personally don't feel is quite ready for prime time. Note that that is my opinion, which you may not share. That's your right, and you know what you set out to accomplish here. I don't, and may have missed your point by a mile. Whatever else I said, it's a good, solid premise that made for entertaining reading. I just think it's more like a first draft than a finished story.All that said, I hope that I have presented my opinions in a way that is constructive, and that you will find helpful to your endeavors going forward. It is never my intention to belittle anyone's efforts or discourage them from following the dream that I have found so fulfilling for the last six decades. In any case, if I can leave you with one thought to take with you, let it be this: Don't forget to have the fun! So many young and/or beginning writers get so caught up in the daily word count, the quest for publication, and the often conflicting advice of other writers that they forget to enjoy the journey. You may or may not become the next Big Celebrity Author, but you will always have the experience. Make sure it's a good one! Read well, and write better,  Jack Did you find my opinions useful or interesting? More are available for consideration on my blog,
 My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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You responded to this review 02/25/2020 @ 2:21am EST