What Caught My Eye

I like to review newbies. I usually go with poetry, to be honest... but I thought this sounded interesting. God answered. I thought maybe it would be funny or something. Of course, I didn't see the "inspirational" genre at that point.

Favorite Aspects

The tone is pretty mellow. I imagine that is exactly what you were going for.

Beginning & End
I think that the beginning and ending are super important for a story because they determine whether someone will keep reading and whether they will be satisfied with what they read. I like to focus a bit of my reviews on these two areas.

There were a few things that would have made me stop reading this had I not intended to review it. First, the 4-5am "every morning". First, you already used "morning" in this sentence. Second, "a.m." is also morning. So... it's just needlessly redundant. That's a red flag for me, especially in a piece this short. "My mornings" implies "every morning"... so you can cut that.

Language

There are some oddities in here that tripped me up. You don't sit "at" a chair. You sit "at" a table... but you sit "in" a chair.

This might be a slightly touchy subject too, but I found "live inside you as your Lord" to be like... horror movie level of creepy. I know for sure you weren't going for that, so I thought I should mention it.

Consistency

Your tone and language style were pretty consistent here. Your voice came across pretty clearly as well.

Dialogue

This dialogue is a bit... different than the norm. BUT-- you asked for wisdom, received no answer in dialogue or otherwise... and then asked why you can hear him. That to me was just... confusing. I would perhaps make it clear that you felt that you received this understanding or something before continuing on. Or you could have him answer that in actual dialogue and THEN ask why you can hear him. I tripped hard on that.

Effect

That's about all the feedback I have for you, aside from noting that this could REALLY use a grammar edit. There are run-on sentences throughout (missing commas in compound sentences). Be on the lookout for that when/if you revise. My rating reflects the words and grammar on the page, as well as the clarity in writing.

I also hope you take no offense to my being creeped out by that one bit of phrasing. I am an avid horror fan, and usually when something inhabits another being, it's intended to be creepy. In my view, that's not a bad thing... but it might be in yours... so now you know and can change or keep it as you see fit. Good luck with any future revisions!





My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .