What Caught My Eye

It's an evocative sort of title. I assumed it would be poetry, actually. Until I saw the description anyway... that clearly points toward a story.

Favorite Aspects

This is a conversation people have with their kids... I mean... question after question after question.

Beginning & End
I think that the beginning and ending are super important for a story because they determine whether someone will keep reading and whether they will be satisfied with what they read. I like to focus a bit of my reviews on these two areas.

The generic use of "little girl" and "mother" didn't thrill me, to be honest. And it actually was a good indicator of my main issue with this story: It lacks in detail. It is almost entirely dialogue only, and while I'm not one of those people who thinks one is better or needed than the other... nor am I strictly pro-balance in dialogue vs description, this was way heavy on dialogue. I couldn't picture anything.

Why is that a problem? It just feels a bit... blank. There is no indication of how the little girl feels about any of the mom's answers. Is she contemplative... does her face scrunch up in thought. Are they in the kitchen? Out in a field? At the beach? The word "sleeve" might just be the ONLY noun that appears outside the dialogue tags.

____________ said the mother
____________ said the little girl

Repeat 30 times. That's about how this felt to me. I needed a bit more, to be honest.

Character(s)

The voice of the little girl seems... fairly accurate. Just sorta... sweet I guess. No really big words or anything.

The mother... doesn't sound that much different, but the occasional "sweetie" and bigger word does differentiate her from the kid.

A little description could go a long way. Does the kid bounce her legs against the chair because she's full of energy and not used to sitting still so long? Does the mom stop what she's doing to talk, or is she busy and half-listening up to a certain point? Anything to give these two some personality would be more effective.

Originality

You've got this. The dialogue is cute... I don't feel like I've read this exchange before. Nicely done there.

Effect

Overall, for me, this is just... okay. It's like, the bare bones of a story that could use some spice. The dialogue is good... imagine how much better it could be with some kind of setting and characterization. It would definitely elevate it from average to better than average with very little additional work. Good luck with it!





My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .